I’m really struggling to be in THE RACE right now…not because its currently physically challenging…my knees and joints are bearable at the moment…but my heart just keeps drifting to the Philippines and the HUGE needs there…my thoughts drift to Haiti as well and wonder how on earth things can be rebuilt and fully restored…or my family and all the cool changes happening there and how much my niece is growing up. I don’t want to discredit the darkness in Thailand…because I feel it…its effecting my outlook on life and the race…today I’m just tired…weary…of a lot of things…but there’s still HOPE in the darkness. There’s a light that’s brighter than any hurt, pain, sorrow I see or feel. I don’t know how to describe all that’s in my head and heart…and I think that’s ok. Listening to this song called “Flying for the first time” by Elenowen http://youtu.be/DutKJbgNucw just makes sense with where I’m at. It’s still a good 6 months out but it’s hard not to think of the “what’s next?” I built my life and my relationships around gearing up for the possibility of this trip…and now I’m knee-deep in this and I don’t really know what to do. My heart feels caged, troubled, confused. I know God can and will break through…but the desire to fight and wrestle right now…it’s just too much on my own…which is a good thing. God has to pick-up this crumpled heart and work on re-shaping it yet again.
I watched a movie last night with a warrior-type person in it…and I realized how much I had forgotten what fighting for Good looked like…doing more than just surviving…even as a missionary…and how clearly His calling on my life was/is to be a WARRIOR. My face needs to be repainted with war paint and my feet need to be readied with everything involving Christ’s love. It’s a daily battle in my mind, heart, and soul…not only for myself but the people around me in my “atmosphere”. Thoughts…it’s easy for a warrior to get distracted, to lose their balance when they are thinking of other things, and realize they are being chased after by good and bad things. You train for stuff like this…but in the thick of battle it looks a lot differently.
So would you battle with me? Battle for Good. Pray for people around you that you work or play with?
