I felt the Lord ask me to team lead during month three but when I was actually asked to team lead a few weeks later, I knew I was learning to discern what He was saying to me.
Month three was spent in a broken place. The Lord had asked me to ‘be still’ at the end of month two. I wrote a blog on it, read it.
When I was asked to team lead it wasn’t like I wasn’t broken anymore. It was more like, “Oh [cuss] I’m a team leader. How am I going to do this?” I knew God had called me to this and I wanted to honor his request.
Month four was spent in an unsure place. I still felt broken. Old wounds resurfaced. Insecurity and comparison were apparent. I didn’t feel loved by my team but then I realized, I don’t know how I feel loved. All these things I held in, until the last day of ministry.
Coming out of month four I just knew they weren’t going to ask me to team lead again and quite frankly, I was okay with that.
Boy was I wrong.
The first thing our squad leader did when she saw me at debrief was ask me to team lead again. I couldn’t believe it. I told her I needed to pray about it and that I would let her know that night.
During our team debriefs, my teammate Kate (who always has incredible things to say) said that one of the things she appreciates about me is that I am “always willing to say ‘yes’ to the hard things.” I knew that the Lord was speaking through her to me and team leading was the hard thing He wanted me to say ‘yes’ to.
So I did.
Leading a brand new team in Thailand, I asked the Lord to help me lead with humility. Why was I putting pressure on myself to perform differently than my team during month four? The best leaders are ones who lead with vulnerability and transparency, right?
And that’s what I did during month five and that is what I’m doing in month six. When I hear a lie from the enemy, I call it out. I bring light to the dark. I’m doing my best to discern what is of the Lord and what is not, and I am encouraging my team to do the same. I am still Erin. I am still broken. I still do and say things of my flesh, and that’s okay. That’s where His grace is sufficient for me.
I’m living proof that Christ has released the captives and that He has set the prisoners free! Why would I not be transparent about my struggles? I’m not perfect and I don’t have to be.
I am living proof that grace is real and she’s a hot mess just like me.
