It was like it was Christmas morning. I was walking down the stairs and saw a huge present wrapped in glittery paper. I quickly tore it open and looked inside. Its only contents was a note that said “Freedom”. When I picked up the note, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of joy. It was as if weight had been lifted off of me and for once, I could just be. I looked up and there was a man sitting in a chair with eyes full of compassion. I knew the gift was from him and I asked him why he had waited so long to give it to me. His eyes filled with tears and he said, “I have offered you this gift every single day for your whole life, you wouldn’t receive it.”
The above was a dream I had about a year ago on my race.
When I started my race in January 2013, I had a skewed perception of my identity. I was looking at myself through a blurry lens of past mistakes and unfair labels that had been placed on me. I had spent years filling my life with smoking weed, getting drunk and surrounding myself with people who would affirm me for doing those things. My identity was wrapped up in the things I did, not who I was.
Coming onto my race was the first time I was surrounded by so many Christians my age. I braced myself for the worst. I knew they would judge me for the life I lived right up to the night before training camp. What I didn’t realize was that I was projecting my past onto them and unfairly judging them. For the first several months of my race, I constantly compared myself to everyone on my squad. I let satan fill me with thoughts of incompetency and failure. I felt like a life truly free from my past was not only distant, but totally unattainable.
Through my squad, my leaders and time spent with God, the layers on my life were slowly peeled back to reveal the true person that God had created me to be. My race was a journey of finding freedom in my identity. It was the hardest, but also the best year of my life up until that point.
Now here I am eight months later, with a unique opportunity to use that freedom to spark freedom in others. God has placed 45 people in my life, all coming from different places with the same goal: to find their identity in Christ.
When I was sharing my testimony with the squad a few nights ago, I looked out and saw the same hurt in their eyes that I once had. But then there was a shift, and it was as if God gave me a glimpse of the freedom that was to come. I cannot bring my squad to the place where God is calling them, but I can be His tool in the process.
It’s not fair that society gets to tell us who we are. It hurts to hear the painful experiences of their past, but at the same time I get excited because I know the freedom that is to come. I am overwhelmed with a love for this group that could have only came from God. I don’t get a thrill out of mosquito bites and sweating, that’s not why I am back on the field. But the feeling I get when someone starts believing truth over lies, feels the love of God for the first time or steps into the person God made them to be is indescribable. I have never been more confident that I am doing what God made me to do. I can’t wait to see what is in store for my remaining time with this amazing group of people.
I am still in need of $5,000 to be fully funded for squad leading. I appreciate all of the support I have received so far. You will probably never know how much it means to be supported to do something that God has called me to do.
If you feel led to support me, click the “support me” link on the left.
To donate by mail, checks can be made out to Adventures in Missions with “Erin Hogan” on the memo line. They can be mailed to:
Adventures in Missions
PO Box 742570
Atlanta, GA 30374-2570.
