Childhood Erin: Ahh I’m weird and have an imaginary friend named Ernie and all I want is for my brothers to let me playyyy with them
Middle School Erin: Ahh I’m so weird and boy crazy and just want my crush of the week to like when I shake my booty on him but I am waiting till marriage to have sex cause I love youth group and that’s what they say
High School Erin: Ahh I’m even weirder and now I have boobs and a body and I don’t know what to do with them
College Girl Erin: Ahh I’m the weirdest ever and I still don’t know what to do with them but maybe he does.
Maybe that is who I want to be.
Maybe that is who they will respect.
Maybe that will fix my brokenness.
Maybe that will be the measuring cup of my self-worth.
Maybe I can hide how sensitive, impressionable, tender, eager, and emotionally driven I am behind this slew of men that I am supposedly “owning”.
I hate to be so transparent, especially when I know who’s eyes have access to this. But authenticity is what I promised you. So to be so authentic, I’ve been doing it all wrong. And we all know what I’m talking about.
Summer 2013
Something has got to change. There has to be something else out there. I’m too much of a coward to go look for it, though. And book after book after book, tell me where to find it. Book after book, tell me I’ve given my heart away too easily and too many times. And book after book tell me that it can be ok. Tell me that I can find that new. That something else. Tell me that there is an option to turn back no matter how far down this meretricious road I’ve gone.
Meh.
Summer 2014
Something has got to change. And I know what it is. But there’s no way I can do it. I’m too far gone. Too broken. Too many mistakes and decisions made that haunt me. Ghosts that mock me and fill my head with, “Yeah right, Cramer. You? Resisting? You? Not of the flesh? You? Not partying? I’ll wait for you when you’re done soul searching.”
Sad thing is, those ghosts have been actual people. Actual friends that have been a tool for the king of all liars to tell me that this isn’t possible.
October 5, 2014
Luke 1:45 Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord.
Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.
Luke 6:45 Her mouth speaks from that which fills her heart.
A covenant made. Prayers spoken. Prayers repeated. Prayers believed. Hearts filled. Joy abiding. Faith restoring. And it’s done.
Abba, you have given me back what I so ignorantly and carelessly gave away. Not just physically, but the transparency of my heart for an unfit audience. We were created in your image, and I have marred the Imago Dei every time I gave, lied, carried with such cheap appreciation and was consumed, mocked, and defiled. From this day forward, I vow that my heart and body be preserved for you and your will. I give this area of my life up to you so that whatever good, perfect, and pure plans you have orchestrated are able to play out.
Put to death any doubts, fears or hesitations. I most certainly will screw it up and I will do so by lunch time. Remove me from the drivers’ seat. Remind me and remove me. Remove my words and insert your power. Faith. The choice is ours and so I will choose faith that you alone will fulfill this covenant.
October 8, 2014
(3 days later, no coincidence in His doing there.)
Abba, put your power in these markers and make them be for your glory and not for my vanity. For your ascension and not for my self image. I love you and I so desire to be the woman you called me to be. Rid me of the doubt, fear, insecurity and selfishness. You are the point.
Preserve: (verb) To keep alive; make lasting. To keep safe from harm. To prepare so as to resist decomposition. To keep root and nurture life. Save in absolute keeping. To immortalize and commemorate. To conquer one’s inclinations. To lock and besiege and put to death anything that would bring about decay.
Each symbol means Preserve in Hebrew with the direct intention of one of the latter definitions.
