I noticed today that I woke up and naturally wasn’t looking forward to today. Naturally negative.
I went through this off and on before I went on the World Race, but I notice it a lot more now. Some of what I learned by living in so much community this year has been to look more at myself and evaluate why it is I react to certain things or feel certain ways or get in certain moods, like the one I woke up in this morning.
Not saying I need an explanation for every time I feel something. We’re human and God made us to feel and have emotions. So I let myself feel even if the feelings aren’t always pleasant ones, and they aren’t always.
Sometimes I don’t feel all full of faith like I desire to. Sometimes, to be honest, I want to cry [and mumble ‘screw that!’ with it]. And then I laugh, because I know, I love God too much to live any other kind of life.
It helps when I spend time with a cup of coffee and the word in the mornings. I usually have a lot more positivity and peace after I’ve spent time with God and in prayer or listening to some All Sons & Daughters or Kari Jobe. But I still like to question why I’ve been waking up feeling pessimistic before I have that quiet time. Maybe I’ve been doing it for a long time and maybe it’s just ‘reentry’.. either way, it’s not a habit I want to carry around.
If I look deeper, underneath the bout of pessimism lies thoughts of worry, doubt, uncertainty, feelings of instability, confusion, and annoyance — because I’m reminded of how I felt at times before I left on the World Race.. feel like I’m back at square one with trusting God.
I’m back at a place of not really knowing what I’m doing currently, and looking ahead at something awesome, but it feels like a huge undertaking and something that’s still cloudy and ambiguous.
Much like what the World Race was before I actually hopped on a plane and did it.
That is where my Negative Nancy is coming from today. I don’t have everything figured out and I get frustrated that I don’t trust God enough yet to let my mind and heart be at rest.. and I know it because I wake up sad, and anxious, and wishing I could fast forward out of this season sometimes.
Anyway, I’m always open to and welcoming of your encouragement and prayers. But promise I don’t write this because I need sympathy, or to look like a basket case [but if you are one, its okay.. lets be friends ;]. Being vulnerable is helpful in reminding us that we aren’t alone.
I trust that God designs seasons just like this one, for the purpose of kneading things out of me, things that need to go before I can take on any further responsibility or blessing He decides to give me. If I can be naturally negative so easily now, it will find a way to rear its ugly head when things are going spectacularly too.
And I don’t want it, ever! It’s gotta go. So welcome to another season of hard and messy and beautiful refinement.
Today I stand on these verses that God brings back into my life so often:
“So we are always of good courage.
We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord,
for we walk by faith, not by sight.”
2 Corinthians 5:6-7
I’m currently learning [again, and more] the balance of being true to myself and feeling what I feel, but relying on the truth of God’s word more than what I feel.. faith.
