Here’s another topic [just like my last blog] unrelated to my Race. One that I told myself I would never blog about.. and yet I would read countless World Race blogs about it: singleness and non-singleness.
So here goes.
Somewhere in my early 20’s I came face to face with one crossroads among many: The question of should I marry or should I be single? I was pursuing God with my whole heart at the time. It was during one summer when I was doing missions work in Queens, NYC, that I came to terms with the fact that I could remain single and be content, if that’s what God called me to. In fact, I wanted more of God so much that I was almost convinced that’s what He was calling me to.
After that I stopped having insecurities about being single. I had so much peace [occasionally ruptured by those who would jokingly spotlight my singleness] and I was confident about where God had me and wherever the heck He was taking me.
But as time went on, I grew to like the idea of having a ‘partner in crime’ and not always doing things solo. This thought, of course, clashed with the idea that God was calling me to full time singleness. But it was still just a thought..
Coming on the Race, I made it up in my mind that I wasn’t going to make my Race about looking at possible suitors [which I’m willing to bet crosses every female World Racer’s mind, even if it’s just a fleeting thought pre-Race]. I also signed a ‘commitment to being single’ form that AIM handed out to each of us at launch, to confirm what I already decided in my heart. This meshed with the thought that I had already resolved this ‘singleness crossroads’ dilemma a long time ago, so I pushed the thought of men and relationships to the back of my mind.
And wouldn’t ya know, it’s on the Race, when we’re not even supposed to be glimpsing at this stuff [boys, i mean, I guess] that God brings it to the surface of my heart.
I’m coming to find that a lot of the desires in my heart are conflicting with the idea of remaining single.
For a while I didn’t acknowledge that inner turmoil, because I believed the lie that I was putting my own fleshly desires above God’s. I thought that maybe somewhere along the line, I started to want God less because I started to have these desires more and more.
But here is the truth: From the time that I began, I never stopped pursuing God with my whole heart.
And I choose to believe that if I’m following God with everything in me and making Him my all in all, and I still have desires for a husband, for companionship.. that these desires must be of God. I long to have a husband someday, and so I believe that this is part of His plan, tailored to me.
My hopes for other single women who read this isn’t that you would pick a side, whether that be singleness or not-singleness.
I want to encourage you to first off, seek God more often. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” [Psalm 37:4]. This isn’t a verse that we should use when its convenient, to justify desires that are selfish. This verse calls us to put God first, find our joy and contentment in Him. And if we are truly seeking God with our whole heart, then I believe we can trust that the desires we have [unless they are outright sinful] are of God.
Truth be told, because I don’t like sugar-coating things, my desires have been tainted with sin sometimes. And Satan wants to use those moments where I mess up, to try and convince me that my desires aren’t of God.
Well I’m done buying that junk.
So if, in your endeavors, you screw up, acknowledge it and ask God for forgiveness. And move forward with Him.
Life is to short to live in guilt and not go after your God-given dreams.
Secondly, I would challenge you to take a good look at yourself every so often; figure out who God has made you. Pay attention to the things you like, your own desires. In terms of relationships, maybe your desire is to ride solo with God for your whole life, or maybe it is to go after God as part of a covenant relationship with a man alongside you.
There’s so many things I learned [and adventures that needed to be had] while being single that I needed to learn on my own, just me and God. I think that’s partly why it has taken a good chunk of my life. And I see the benefits it could bring a woman for her entire life, including for all of eternity, if that’s the path she takes. In my case, I’m also excited for all the amazing things that marriage brings to the table as well.
The point is, singleness is amazing, and marriage is [I’m sure] amazing. And after seeking God with everything inside of you, you should do whichever one God has put on your heart to do.
And I don’t really have a witty ending for this blog. So… bye!
Love,
E
