This is not the first blog I’ve ever written. But boy, does it feel like it. To be fair, my “blogging” history is limited to a 15 year old’s ramblings on LiveJournal, before blogging was even a term. Think: a deep, detailed, personal account of what the cute boy sitting behind me in Econ said that made me laugh, the fight I just had with my current best friend, or what I was going to wear…to everything. Obviously high-quality reading material, here, folks. I cringe.
This is the first blog I’ve ever written that really means something. Something important for my life. Something important for the Kingdom. I’m struggling with what to say. What if I say too much? What if I don’t say enough? What if I’m offensive? I’m sure that, when entrusted with something important, I will surely freeze up like Windows XP.
And so the jokes begin. It’s a defense mechanism, bear with me here.
I have an announcement to make: I am going on the World Race. I know, it’s obvious to everyone but me. This is my life. Honestly, I’ve been thinking and praying about that sentence for the last seven years of my life. Now that I can actually say it, it feels like I’m just making it up. Is this anyone else’s experience when dreams start coming true? Anyone?
I am going on the World Race. When I tell people this, they ask me how I heard about it. It’s a story that’s not exciting by any measure, but I believe to be worth telling. At the very least, it’s a great picture of God’s perseverance and pursuit of a heart that was never quite bold enough to say
“yes, Lord.”
When I was 20 years old, I found myself homeless for a short time. I was living out of my car, parking late at night in the driveway of my childhood home, from which I had been kicked out. Making sure to leave before anyone woke up and saw me there. It was a dark time. I knew the Lord, but didn’t really want to hear what He had to say about all of this. Not until I got back on my feet, anyway. It’s funny how my logic seems so illogical in hindsight. Anyway, my best friend Leah was living with her mom, Teri, and her baby sister, Lily, in a small two bedroom apartment across town. By some miracle of God that I didn’t deserve(and still don’t), they asked me to come and stay with them. Four women in a small apartment. It was better than my car. So, I moved in. And it was glorious. It felt so much like home.
Now, I can’t continue this story without first telling you about Teri. First of all, she raised up my best friend, who is about the finest example of a human being you could ever find in this lifetime. I say that without exaggeration or embellishment. Obviously, the woman did something right. Secondly, she’s brilliant in her knowledge and pursuit of and trust in the Lord. I’ve never known anyone like her. While I lived in her home, I remember I would essentially sit at her feet and ask her every question I could think to ask. We would sit up late into the night, discussing angels and demons, election, God’s will, ministry, women’s roles in the church, marriage, the future. Having lost my own mother at a young age, just being in her presence was refreshing. So, when she sat Leah and me down and told us that she had heard of this sort of new, yearlong mission trip designed for young people who hungered to follow the Lord, my ears definitely perked up. I remember her telling me that she thought it would be a good fit for someone with my heart for others. How exciting! I thought. A real life pilgrimage! So, I did a tiny bit of research. Just a little bit. You see, I thought it was a cool idea… for someone else. A better Christian. Someone less tied down than myself. (Although, in retrospect, I realize that “homeless” is about as un-tied-down as one can get!) So the idea went to the back burner of my mind, as I pressed on in my “real” life. It would resurface every now and again, this pull to go out and love on the people of God, this desire to live in real, raw community. To do something for the Kingdom that was bigger than myself. Of course, there was always an excuse for why it wasn’t the right thing or the right time for me, including but not limited to:
- I was in school.
- I was out of school, and felt like I should be doing something with my degree.
- Serious boyfriend #1
- I had a car payment.
- Scorpio was in the house of Jupiter(jk.)
- Serious boyfriend #2
- My baby brother was still in high school.
- I finally found a job that I liked.
- It was Tuesday.
- Surely, God wanted someone better.
- I hate flying.
- It’s hard to take my own bed to 11 different countries with me.
- I get hungry really easily.
- People will probably want me to play sports or something.
Obviously, some of those reasons are valid, and some of them are silly. I have used every single one in earnest. Except that Scorpio thing. I don’t even know what all that junk means.
Fast forward to 2014. I was living in community with other believers. I had a boyfriend. I loved my job. It’s funny how when things fall apart, all of the things you learn to lean on that are of the world kind of wash away like sand in the tide. Even I can see this one coming. Now.
{UNCOMFORTABLE SELF-DISCLOSURE ALERT! PLEASE AVERT YOUR EYES IF YOU HAVE A DELICATE CONSTITUTION!}
I got into some legal trouble involving the fact that I may be a bad driver, and may have gotten a speeding ticket that I may have forgotten to pay, and that made the state of Iowa SO MAD that they threw me in jail for two days and took my driver’s license away for two years. Yes, two years. But I’m not here to slander anyone. This is all very embarrassing to admit, by the way. To complete strangers, or anyone. I’ve never considered myself an “in trouble with the law” kinda gal. It is kind of an interesting story, though. I digress. In the months that followed, I had to move out of my house and into the guestroom at my boyfriend’s parents house so they could drive me to work at 5:30 every morning. And although I’m no dating expert, don’t ever try to live in a house with your boyfriend and his parents and expect that to be good for your relationship, just sayin’. I couldn’t even drive myself to work. I felt like I had lost every shred of freedom I had. I was completely dependent on the people in my life to get me anywhere. It was depressing. I remember spending a lot of time alone, and just crying out to God. I was desperate to hear His voice. And what came up in that conversation? Well, if I didn’t have a driver’s license for two years, and I went on the World Race, I wouldn’t be driving for at least 11 months… it might make the time pass a little faster… really, truly, what was holding me back? I began to pray. Then I began to talk to people. I started with my boyfriend. That didn’t go well. I started feeling out the reactions of my friends. That went much better. I remember having a conversation with my best guy friend, who also happens to be a brilliant human being, and he was just tangibly excited. He told me that I was not only the best person he knew, but also the only person he knew that could do such a big huge ginormous thing. I think he’s a little dramatic sometimes, but it stuck with me regardless. So, I tried to have the conversation with the ol’ bf again. Still no. So I continued to pray. I actually answered the phone when it rang from Georgia, with an Adventures representative on the other line. That phone conversation lasted 50 minutes exactly, and I remember discovering that the young man I was talking to had a very similar family situation to mine, but was still able to raise enough support to go, even without a huge family network. That put a big fear of mine to rest, or at least quieted it. When I asked him what his most profound experience on the Race was, he told me about caring for special needs children in an orphanage in India. He said it changed him. At the time, he had no idea that that is how I make my living, caring for special needs children. He couldn’t have known that my heart is there, with those kids. He didn’t know how much I love the children I care for. In that moment, I knew I would go. Reading in Isaiah 6:8 that night: “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying ‘Who should I send? Who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here I am! Send me!'”
Yes, Lord.
The next series of events happened fast. I moved into my own place with a friend. I ended that relationship I was in. I got a permit to drive to work. I gained a little freedom back. I continued to pray about going on the race, and finally committed in January of this year. My friends and the people in my life have been so excited and supportive. I am humbled daily.
I can give you 40,000 reasons why I don’t think I’m the right person for God to send out into the nations to share the Gospel and share His Love with the lost. Each and every one of them pales in comparison to the one reason I KNOW that I am the right person: God wants me to. He has chosen me to live this life. It’s not gonna be pretty. It’s not gonna be comfortable. I have to leave my own bed behind in Iowa. But every step I take forward is a step I take into the arms of the One who has my life so intricately mapped out for His good. Amazing things are about to happen, and not because of me, but all because of Him. I’ll never deserve this opportunity, but I’m going to take it!
Thank you for reading my first bloggy-wog. I know I’m a tad wordy. I love words. I appreciate any and all interest in my mission. If you feel led to pray for me or contribute, you can just click that little SUPPORT ME button on the left.
Peace & Blessings,
Erin
