Disclaimer: I wrote this post a few days ago when we were flying to Costa Rica. Good news…we made it! We’ve now been here for few days, but today is the first time I’ve had Wi-Fi and have been able to post. I know many of you would love details about what we’re doing, where we’re staying, and who we’re meeting. I’ll post blogs about all of this very soon…I promise. For now, I’ll say this: we are staying at a church in a neighborhood of mostly Nicaraguan refugees just outside San Jose, and our ministry hosts are wonderful! In two days of ministry, we’ve already painted most of the outside and some of the inside of the church, plastered walls, mopped floors, played with lots of kiddos, become the biggest fans of a woman at the church named Luz (photos and stories to come), worked with 40 Koreans (yes, 40 Koreans) to put on clinics and kids events at the church, and learned how to cook Costa Rican/Nicaraguan food. It’s been so good! But more to come on all of that soon. This post was still heavy on my heart, so here we go…
Dreading, Needing, and Craving Intimacy
We’re currently on a flight to Costa Rica. It’s hard for me express in words how completely and totally my heart is filled with joy at this moment. This is finally happening! I’ve been thinking, praying, and talking about this day for months. The World Race has begun. We land in our first of ELEVEN countries today! Tonight I’m sleeping on the floor of a church with a team I love dearly. Tomorrow we get to begin ministry in Rio Azul, San Jose, Costa Rica. Such goodness.
I wanted to write today about the thrill of this moment…the excitement…the experience of Launch, and waking up to schlep to the airport this morning at 3:45am, our giant packs bobbing along, tired eyes, and giant smiles.
But the Lord said no.
In my heart, I knew what I had to write about today.
I really didn’t want to.
But the reality is, the World Race is much more than a mission trip. It’s a pilgrimage. It’s a journey. Yes, it’s about serving, loving on those doing great work in their communities, caring for orphans and widows, bringing hope and light to the nations. I applied because I wanted to live amidst poverty, pour life and hope into the hurting, and serve as many as possible. Frankly, the mission is what drew me in.
But it’s also about drawing closer to Jesus. It’s about knowing the voice of the Holy Spirit. Being willing to take a look at my heart, at my soul, at my identity…and asking tough questions about the condition of all three. It’s about true community. Ultimately, it’s about intimacy…with others and most importantly, with my Creator.
We live in a world where it’s so easy to completely avoid introspection and intimacy. Our 140 word interactions on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram allow for expression without real conversation. When we’re uncomfortable in real-life conversations, we resort to our phones. I do it all the time. A quick glance at our emails, messages…anything to remove us from true interaction. Even my relationship with Lord, many times, has consisted of half-hearted prayers punctuated by glances at my iPhone. AGH! Why?
I think it’s because I dread intimacy. I’ve had a pretty impressively crafted wall built up around my heart for much of my life. In recent years, the Lord has begun dismantling it. But he’s not done yet. True intimacy still terrifies me.
But I also need it. Desperately. And I want it. Desperately. Don’t we all? Don’t we all long to be truly known and truly loved? It’s terrifying. Because rejection is scary…if we allow ourselves to be defined by what others think or say.
BUT…if we allow ourselves to be defined by what our Creator says about us…our lives are turned upside down. Our worlds are changed.
The next 11 months are going to be life-changing for many reasons. And my heart is to bring healing and joy and life to as many people as possible. I can’t wait to share stories about how our God is moving around the globe.
I’m thankful today that He’s also already begun moving in my heart…continuing to break down the walls I’ve so carefully and fearfully built. Perfect love casts out fear…the fear of rejection, the fear of being known and not loved, and the fear of intimacy…which is good news, because I crave it.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
Psalm 73:24-25
Thank you all for your prayers and support!
With love & joy,
E
