All On The Line

Even my command did not think that it would take this long for my medical board to go through.  (I have “officially” been on medical hold since September 2009, but I knew it was coming long before then.)

The issue is so muddled and ridiculous, that I won’t even bore you, dear reader, with the details.  

As my launch date crept closer and closer, I didn’t even lose faith at first.  In fact, I was excited.  I prayed passionately to the Lord, “God!  You are the God of miracles!  You move mountains!  I truly believe that me being here, preparing for this trip is Your will- and that You called me to it, so move this Navy sized mountain!”  I was pumped to see what the Lord would do.

I even bought my plane ticket to Seattle (where we are launching from).

And then nothing.

Nothing at all.

For months.

As I write this, my squad is set to launch in 13 days.  My ticket to Seattle is booked for 11 days from now.  I have 8 business days to have something happen which hasn’t been able to for the past 2 years.  To say that I was having a crisis of faith would be a major understatement.  For the first time IN MY LIFE, I was angry at God.  Really rather pissed off.  I felt tricked.  Like God had led me here and then just dropped me off to fend for myself, when He knows very well that I have no power against the Navy, and I have been fighting with them for 2 years to get this processed so that I won’t have to stay in this awful limbo, perpetuated by people who don’t care what happens to me.

As I sank deeper and deeper into this pit, I prayed less and less.  Read my Bible less and less.  I have still been going to church, but I’m sure that would have been the next thing to go.

I stopped thinking about the World Race, because my heart was so set on going- not only do I truly believe that fighting human trafficking is my life’s calling, but now that I know my team, I love them so much.  I would really feel left out if I didn’t get to go on this great adventure with them.  I knew that some of my team-mates were beginning to pack their bag.  I still had a bunch of gear to buy and refused to pack what I did have because the thought of unpacking it all when I was told that I couldn’t go was too much for me to even think about.

And I don’t have a back up plan.  My husband and I moved out of our place, put everything in storage before he left for his deployment, and I am staying with my mom.  I put it all on the line because I really believed that this was going to work out.

But God… (aren’t those the coolest words in the whole Bible?  When someone is in a real mess, sometimes the next two words are “but God”).

I felt like I should really talk to someone.  I called my friend Shelley- who has one of the most sound theological minds of anyone I know.  Here is the jist of what she told me- I pray that it will be a blessing to you as well, for whatever you might be going through in your life.

“God’s will is not a point on a map, it is, like everything else in Christianity, a relationship.  To go on this trip or not to go isn’t the point, the point is that you are still going to the Lord and that your relationship with Him is strong.  This must be especially hard for you to be in this valley because you have been on mountain tops in the past several months getting excited about this trip, all of your funding coming in early, etc- and you probably feel like you are being punished.  But that isn’t true.  I know your heart, and I know that you want to be God’s tool to change the world.  But it takes deeper levels of humbling and breaking to make us teachable.  You have been to the World Race’s training camp- but this is God’s training camp for you.  He has something for you which is so big that you need to go through this time in order to deepen your faith even more- walk even further with Him.  That is what He is teaching you.  And in God’s economy, nothing is wasted- this is not needless suffering.  Look at your life?  Would you change one single heartbreak now that you know that all along God was breaking your heart for oppressed and abused women?  It is important to go to God every step of the way and not try to do this on your own strength.  Look at Jesus when He was in the desert- He definitely felt like God had forsaken Him.  He was hungry, thirsty and abandoned.  Satan came to Him and offered Him all of the power in the world- He offered Him a way to get out of the mess He was in without God’s help.  But Jesus resisted and when He left the desert, the angels attended to Him.  You might be wondering where the heck your angels are.  They are coming- but you might need to walk this out in the desert a while longer.”

So then I got to speak with my awesome team leader later on in the evening.  She has been on the full World Race before (she just got back about 2 months ago!) and she is very insightful.  Kristen told me about a story in the old Testament where Elijah challenged the followers of Baal to see who was the One True God: Baal or God?  They each built an alter to their respective god/God and then called upon them to set it on fire.  When Baal wasn’t responding, Elijah had a lot of (funny) things to say (Is he sleeping?  Where is he?)  When it was his turn, he poured gallons and gallons of water onto the alter to wet the wood (Elijah was QUITE the showman).  And then he called upon the One True God- who definitely delivered.  Kristen asked me if I truly believed that the Lord called me to this race.  I said that I did.  She said that she did, too.  So do you know what this wild woman told me???

She said, “Erika, you have to put it all on the line.  I know that you don’t have a backup plan, and that’s a great start.  You just have to EXPECT God to show up, and not let these doubts from satan creep into your mind and torment you.  I say that you should be like Elijah- pack your bag!  Buy the rest of your gear!  Talk about the race and get excited about it!  You are coming with us!”

I really considered what both Shelley and Kristen told me, and I am very thankful for such awesome friends who will walk through these times with me and not just give me a pat on the head and a “there, there, it will be okay”. 

So God- here I am.  I am putting it all on the line.  I went through all of my stuff and put together every single thing I own that is on that packing list.  I am PLANNING to go, and EXPECTING you to come through.  All the while knowing that the trip really isn’t the point-that OUR relationship is.  I know that no matter what, I am in Your will because I am seeking You will all of my heart.  You are using this time to equip me for something that You have in store, which I have yet to find out about.  I love you, God.  Please help me to love You more.

 

“What if some were unfaithful?  Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God?  By no means!” (Romans 3:4a)

Praise God that even when we lack faith- He never does.  And He has more than enough faith for the both of us.