One of my biggest struggles on the Race so far has been homesickness. Last month I finally came to a point where I just felt like I wanted to go home. I was tired of being away. I just wanted to be back with my family where things were easy.
But that’s the thing about being obedient to God, He never said it would be easy. He finally spoke to me one day when I was feeling really down. I was thinking, “God, I just want to go home.” And He told me, “That’s exactly why you need to be here.”
It was during our layover in Qatar that I heard this song. A song I had heard many times before, but for some reason it spoke to me so much more this time. I realized how much I could relate to it. How much it had just the right words to tell my story, homesickness and all.
You heard my voice I came out of the woods by choice
Shelter also gave their shade
But in the dark I have no name
When I signed up for the World Race, I was in a season of my life where I needed direction. I was living at home. Working a part time job that barely covered the expenses I had, let alone any expenses I would have if I moved out. I had just finished an internship that I loved, but I didn’t know where to go next. I didn’t know what God’s plan for me was. So I started praying to God about it. I stepped out and made myself open to whatever it was He had planned for me.
So leave that click in my head
And I will remember the words that you said
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. (Matthew 28:19)
It was one night when I was praying that God reminded me of the great commission. And it wasn’t the first time He had given me the idea of going on a mission’s trip.
Left a clouded mind and a heavy heart
But I was sure we could see a new start
My heart was so heavy when I left home. I knew it was going to be hard leaving my friends and family for a year. And when I found out my best friend was pregnant, it made it that much harder for me to leave. But I knew I had to. God had confirmed for me so many times that this is where He wanted me to be. I knew He must have a reason for it. It was during Month 1 in Albania when God showed me what he wanted me to find this year. He wanted me to find myself. To find my identity in Him.
I wrestled long with my youth
We tried so hard to live in the truth
But do not tell me all is fine
When I lose my head, I lose my spine
Up until I left for the Race, I still constantly struggled with things of my past. Things I needed to heal from. Things I needed to forgive myself for. Things I needed to forgive others for. People I needed to be reconciled with. I did everything I could to pretend things were fine. But there would always come a time when I couldn’t pretend anymore and it would all catch up with me.
So leave that click in my head
And I will remember the words that you said
You brought me out from the cold
Now, how I long, how I long to grow old
But I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past 3-1/2 months. Since Training Camp even (I’ve blogged about a lot of this before). God has brought me such a long way. I’ve seen myself healed. Wiped clean of things I thought I would never be clean from. Reconciled with people I thought I never would. I’ve been praying since Launch that God would ignite a passion in me. And He’s made me realize that I’ve had it all along. Family. I’m passionate about finding a husband, about finding my companion. I’m passionate about starting a family and growing old together. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
So when your hope’s on fire
But you know your desire
Don’t hold a glass over the flame
Don’t let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road
This is the part where I feel like God is speaking to me. I had so many hopes when I came on the Race. So many things that I was hoping God would show me. And He has, but at the same time I know what my heart really desires. I also know that I shouldn’t let either of those things distinguish the other. I will finish the Race. I will see all that God has for me to see out here in the world. And when the time comes, He’ll bring me a husband, but it will be by His doing alone, not mine. And He’ll walk with me every step of the way.
But hold me fast, Hold me fast
‘Cause I’m a hopeless wanderer
My prayer to God is this, that He will continue to help hold me fast where I am. My heart has a tendency to wander a lot between what I’m doing here on the Race, missing home, and dreaming about the future. I can dream about the future, but that shouldn’t stop be from being present where I am now. I can think about the people I left behind, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t invest in the people I’m with.
And I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I’m under
Whether that’s at home, or in India, or anywhere else in the world. I will love where I am because God put me here. I’m here because He made it so, and I’m here because it’s where He wants me to be.
(Song: Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford and Sons)
Fundraising Update: I made the 3rd deadline! Thank you so much to everyone who donated. I really can’t thank you enough for your support.
As I said in this blog, I know that this is where God wants me to be, but I’m still $4,113 away from being fully funded. The final deadline is January 1, 2014, which is less than 3 months away. If you’d like to help support me, please click on the “Support Me” link at either the top or left hand side of the page. Thank you all so much again for your support and for your continued prayers. God Bless!
