12 days after my first mission trip I’m still trying to understand everything in my mind. From meeting up to catch a ride to the airport to boarding the airplane, my mind was numb. My heart was full of emotions fighting for dominance to relay for my mind to feel. As I stepped out of the plane, my mind and heart agreed whatever emotions I had would change in form. Over the course of the next week as I learned from the community and my teammates I felt the Holy Spirit hyper present. The first minute in the community the air was thick with love in worship in a simple church on Sunday morning. No power and no lights were needed to know God was there in everyone’s heart. As I met everyone in the community there was a common trait everyone possessed. It was hard to pinpoint. It was not bitterness. Nor could you say it was shame. We were welcomed in with open arms to every home we visited and greeted by all with a smile. I fell in love with the children. The children were so well mannered and respectful. The smiles on there faces from a simple touch were bright enough to light up the nights. The innocence of a child that was so pure that you have to see it to understand, and when you do, it moves you to a peace that you can’t forget.
While I was submerged in the community, I felt completely over taken by the Holy Spirit. From getting over the fear of praying out loud to follow God prompts to talk and welcome teens and adults who were more reserved. When we got back to where we were staying, my mind would be racing with trying to process everything from the day that I would take time to myself to think and sleep. The last day in the community was difficult to handle for me. All of the joy, trust, sadness, disgust, fear, anticipation and surprise filled me. Tears were the only form of expression I could muster. Love, Kindness, Friendship, Pity, Shame, Envy, Anger, Indignation, and Fear. I just knew that I was not ready to go through these goodbyes 11 times in 11 different countries. I started thinking that I couldn’t go through with the World Race.
It took 12 days of journaling, praying, talking and meditation for me to see what God wanted to show me. As I drove around enjoying the weather, I asked myself something my team leader asked us to think about during our last debriefing. “What was your purpose in God’s plan in this trip?” So I asked God himself, “What was the point? I didn’t do anything life changing. I didn’t help someone in an impactful way. I was probably just an face to the children. What did I do?” to which God answered “If that if true, why are you sad?” And like that I saw him smile, like watching a child’s light bulb go off solving a word problem for the first time.
My mind rushed with the smiles, the laughs, the home visits, the children playing and the love given. I was sad because I thought I had a to do something to save them from themselves, when in fact they weren’t the ones that needed saving. God had already done that. I was to there to solidify that it’s not about me. My heart is in serving and that’s what I was and am to do. I do not serve because of pity but love. I is not just that God loves them, but that I too loved them before I knew them. That’s what God revealed to me. I am a vessel for God to be grieving with those in grief, to be worried for those in worry and rejoice with those rejoicing. Like a beautiful song, regardless of it’s success, there are sounds and lyrics that pierce our hearts.
So, how did my mission adventure in Haiti go? I would like to think I made God proud, even if I didn’t know it at the time. When you let go and let God, He will always set you up for victory.
Special Thanks to My Team from 410 Bridge (the organization and staff), 12 Stone (our Church), and Teammates and Leader. Thank you for helping me discover Victory.
