It’s been about a month since I’ve posted a blog. It’s been an interesting time to say the least. Around mid-July, I went to the doctor and found out I had two kidney stones. Typically it’s common, but one was 6mm in diameter and was in danger of causing a block. They scheduled an operation to blast the stone, in hopes to prevent a problem on the race. Within 10, I saw four doctors, five days unpaid work days, and after insurance, I was out $4,500. Although the procedure was a breeze, my moral took the hardest hit. On the outside, I smiled at the gratefulness of little to know pain with my kidney stone. Inside, I was battling old demons of doubt, inadequate, and unworthiness. I flooded my mind with prayer, gospel music lyrics, and scripture. God reminded me that He was in control and His timing is perfect. I realized that it’s easy to say “I have faith in the Lord to provide.” and “It’s all in God’s hands.” But the truth is that we too have our part in our walk. I had no problem maintaining HOPE. I mean, “Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their HOPE and confidence” (Jeremiah 17:7) I got that down. Walking the walk was another story. In darkness, it was easy fall back on HOPE because I didn’t really know what was going on around me. When I had sight on a plan I thought God had for me and it started feeling like it’s falling apart…. That can cause some serious anxiety. In the midst of my rambling thoughts, a verse stood out above all the noise; 2 Corinthians 5:7 “for we live by FAITH, not by sight.” I realized that I confused HOPE for FAITH. Instantly, I thought of a friend I was spending time with. Having trouble in his marriage, he turned to God after exhausting all other options. As I heard his story, I wanted to advise him the best I could but he was set that his part, was a good, Christian intent to not file for divorce. His wife’s was sleeping with multiple men but had it too good to leave the house. He was headstrong about keeping faith and being still not do anything to allow God’s will. I wanted to tell him it didn’t work that way but could not find the words to explain it. I know what he was saying and I know why he was doing it but his situation did not feel like it was based on FAITH but fear. I now know why. This living on Hope is fine while the sea is calm, but in the storm, faith steps up to help move us forward. Faith is Hope in action. Now that our training camp is less than seven weeks away and our launch dates have been announced, Faith has stepped up to push me forward. Although doubt is around the corner, I choose to walk in Faith. Faith that God will ease my worry, that God will provide in the only way He can. It’s a little scary but I remember my identity is in only Him.
P.S. Thank you for taking time to read this and those of you who have donated and/or prayed. It’s been difficult to not want to stop moving but with your help I see that I’m truly not alone and have friends with me on this journey. Please know that any and all help is greatly appreciated.
Thanks again guys.
