Today as I stood in the middle of a camp full of displaced persons, God woke me up.
For the past month, we have been living in Trujillo, Peru. A city that has suffered greatly because of the massive flooding affecting much of Peru. People have died, homes have been destroyed, lives have been forever altered because of the devastation. All of this has been happening around me, but I didn’t really feel it. It has actually been pretty easy, in the middle of a natural disaster, to be sheltered and not really see the effects. I mean, I’ve walked through a street where homes were destroyed and yes my heart ached for the people there but I worried more that I didn’t have my camera with me. I’ve waded through flood waters up to my knees and I marveled at this crazy, terrible thing that I had never experienced before but I didn’t think of the havoc it was wreaking. I stood on a rooftop worshiping and praying with my team and feeling the weight of such a disaster, then I went on with my day. I listened in church as Peruvians cried out to God for help amidst the devastation and I felt uncomfortable because of their sobs. My heart wasn’t broken for them, for this place. I wondered what was wrong with me and I asked God to change that, to break my heart for what breaks His but it didn’t happen. Well, it didn’t happen in my own timing.
I’ve been preoccupied.
You see this month hasn’t been easy. It’s been hard. I’ve been so preoccupied with myself and my team that I almost missed what God wanted for me in Peru. I was so inwardly focused, that I was blinded to anything other than ME ME ME and what everyone around me was doing that affected me.
Last night I was presented with a choice. I could stay back at our compound and go with our host to pass out water to those in need, or I could go with some missionaries, who we met in town, to another area to visit one of the camps. I decided to stay back and not go for a few reasons, all of them being pretty self-centered.
When I woke up that morning, I found that the plans for the day had crashed and burned. We weren’t able to go pass out water and we needed to finish painting the Pastor’s office. The other girls were gone and the lady who cooks for us wasn’t coming. I was pretty miserable to be around honestly. I complained. I was grouchy and snippy. I was mad that it was my day off and I was stuck painting and hungry. I was so inwardly focused that all I could see was how I wasn’t getting my way. And actually, how we ended up at the refugee camp started with me getting my way.
During painting, I expressed how because it was our day off and we had no food, I wanted to go to the mall to eat and do some work/hangout at Starbucks when we were finished. No one really wanted to come with me and I couldn’t go alone so I griped and conceded to only spend one hour at the mall if Olivia would come with me. So she agreed to come along.
At the mall, we ended up running into our other team members who were with the missionaries. They had come for a treat after a long work day. They told us that the missionaries had invited them to a refugee camp to preach and pray that evening and that they were going to go. They welcomed us to come and Olivia immediately said yes, but I hesitated and tried to excuse myself out of it. I was weary of giving up my free time and church services aren’t my favorite pastime. I quickly realized however, that I had to go. I couldn’t travel back to our compound alone, so I was stuck. And thank God for it.
Because as I was sitting around a table in Starbucks, I started listening to these missionaries tell their stories and God started stirring up joy in my heart. He reminded me of when He called me to be a missionary and how He had provided for me ever since then. I couldn’t stop smiling hearing about God’s goodness and wanting to hear from God in the ways that these people do. Soon I was excited to go the encampment and I was enjoying time with these people.
The camp we went to is a park, turned refuge for people who are now homeless. Stark white tents in rows surround a basketball/soccer court. We found out that entire families were living in just one of these small tents. Children were running around playing and blowing bubbles and they surrounded us quickly asking many questions. Soon after we arrived, church service started. Those who wanted to come started gathering around and we entered into worship. It was a public and pretty loud, so whoever was in the encampment was probably able to hear us or see us. They could join if they wanted to. Our team was able to share a couple of songs. One was the song “Multiplied” by Need to Breathe, which we all love. Then my teammate Ashley preached on Joshua and the fall of Jericho and how they did as God asked and God did what He told them He would do. He conquered the city for them.
Afterwards one of the missionaries shared more and opened up an invitation for people who wanted to receive Christ to raise their hands and be prayed over. We gathered and prayed and many people received Christ. We continued in prayer, moving around to various people in the group. While praying, I noticed a woman join the group so I moved over to her and put my hands on her and began to pray.
Right there in the middle of a refugee camp, in the middle of praying for a woman whose name I didn’t know, I felt my heart break for these people living in darkness and desperation. I felt my own agenda and my fears and my selfishness and my bitterness crash down around me. It all became smaller as the picture of our purpose on earth became larger. Tears began to fall down my face, a weight settled in my chest, and my prayer became desperate. My heart broke and I wanted this woman to know Christ. I wanted her to know Christ for what He would do in her life, not for how it would make me feel.
When I was finished praying, I asked her if she trusted in Jesus Christ and if she wanted to receive him as her Lord and Savior. With tears streaming down my face and hers, she responded yes. I quickly called over the pastor to help (I’m not confident enough in my Spanish to do it alone). Right there that woman crossed from death to life. She received Christ. We continued to cry and our arms stayed wrapped around each other for a long time. I asked her for her name. And I told her, Isabel, that she was now my sister and I thanked God for her.
Then the missionaries and Peruvians began to pray over us. And all I could think was that I hadn’t wanted to be there, that I tried to say no, and that I was tired of my self. I looked around me and saw at least 8 new brothers and sisters in Christ and I realized that God didn’t need me to be in that place to bring those people from death to life, but He wanted me to be there. He wanted to use me and to work in me. Maybe the only reason I ended up there was because I couldn’t leave the mall alone earlier that day. As this thought repeated over and over in my head, I clearly heard the Lord say “but you are here and this did happen”. He had orchestrated everything in that day to bring me to that place. He still used me. He didn’t have to but he chose to. He chose me to share Him with that woman and hold her hand as she received new life. He chose those moments to break my heart for His children who are living in darkness. He chose to reveal so much to me in that place.
As I cried and we continued to pray, He gave me a vision of crowd of people. In front of them stood Jesus with his arms opened wide and before them was darkness. From the pitch black darkness, I watched as people joyfully stepped behind Jesus, into the light. It was a vision of people who are moving from death to life, from sin to forgiveness, from bondage to freedom. The people in my vision are people who we are encountering and will encounter. Some of them we have met and some we never will because the people who began to walk with Jesus tonight will be used by God to change the lives of others. We will probably never meet them until we are in heaven, but He is using us for His glory. He doesn’t have to, but He wants to. We don’t deserve it, but He does it.
Today, I have been humbled and broken and I am so grateful. In the middle that camp, my complaints and my pride, my ugliness and my annoyance, my refusals and my avoidances, all came crumbling down like the walls of Jericho. I encountered my God and remembered how little everything in the world means without Him. I saw how empty my days are when I live them for myself. I saw how joy-less I would always be if lived in the “things that go wrong”. It’s terribly easy to fall back into patterns of the world, even on the World Race. It’s easy to live for yourself, especially when things like circumstances and community get really tough but I’m not here for the wide, easy road. I signed up for the narrow, harder way. I’m not here to live for myself. I’m here to give up my life, so that I can gain it.
Every night, I want to lay my head down knowing I was drained for the sake of the Gospel. Every morning, I want to wake up filled up and ready to pour out again. Tonight, I’m laying down drained. Tomorrow, I’ll start my day seeking the Lord to fill me back up and praying for the courage to give every last drop away again.
