For over a week now, I haven’t known how or what to tell you all about training camp. So much happened and even now I don’t know the full extent of what God did there, but I am ready to share some with you all.
Tonight, I asked the Holy Spirit to come and tell me what to write about because I have truly not know what exactly I wanted to share. He gave me these 5 words. “Tell them what I did.” So for now I want to share with one of the biggest things that God did in me at training camp.
He showed me I am freed from shame.
We all have things that happen in our lives that cause us deep shame. Some of us can pinpoint the exact moment shame entered our lives, some of us know the general reasons why we carry shame, and some of us (like me) never even realize they’re carrying shame around.
At this time, I’m choosing to not share what the major source of shame in my life stemmed from that I confronted at training camp. I will say though, I never knew that I was carrying around shame from these events. I didn’t realize that when I packed for camp, I tucked my shame in between my sleeping bag and my tent. I never realized that sins I struggle with even now, are some of the results of the shame that I myself had shackled to my ankle. At camp I was shown that I was carrying shame everywhere I went and it had overflowed into everything I did. The shame told me I would never be free from the things that have happened to me. It told me I was unlovable and forever broken and alone because of things I’ve done.
At training camp, God revealed my shame to me. He didn’t condemn me or yell at me for carrying around the shame. He simply grabbed my hand and showed me I was letting shame rule areas of my life. He told me he wanted to step into the shame with me and show me how to overcome it. Then gave me the things I needed to understand how to overcome shame and live in freedom. I let truth step in and tell me shame has no place in my life. God used the Word, my sweet squad mates, awesome spirit-filled trainers, and the Holy Spirit to empower me to overcome the lies of shame.
The night we talked about shame at camp, I had a one-on-one with Jesus and I decided that I no longer wanted shame to have a foothold in my life. Later that night, I wrote this in my journal, “Wow. I have freedom. These things happened in my life and I carry the shame no more. I forgive the people who contributed to the shame and I forgive myself for perpetuating the shame. I am no longer ashamed. I feel lighter.” The Holy Spirit even gave me verses encouraging me about no longer being ashamed. Isaiah 54 and Romans 5.
Isaiah 54:4 “Do not be afraid, you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.”
Romans 5 says “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
Here is a metaphor for how I would describe training camp for me spiritually. I was in a room. The room was full and as I looked around I saw the things filling the room. Some of the things were very large and some of the things were really tiny. The things were everything I had ever done and that had been done to me. Every sin I’d ever committed, every lie I’d ever believed, every sin committed against me was in that room. The room was so full I could hardly breathe and the things towered over me and pressed in on all sides. There was literally no space in this room except the small place where I was standing. Then Jesus stepped into that small space with me. Smiling, he grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes. As my eyes locked with his, the things around me began to disappear. Not all at once, but piece by piece. I know it will take a lifetime to completely clear out that room and sometimes the things I have put out of it may sneak back in, but as my eyes remain locked on his, I know the things in the room don’t matter any more. They are not the most important things about me, they do not define me. And even if I glance away from Him, I will see not the things left in the room but what is scrawled all over the walls. There He has written the truths of who I am and how loved I am. I know more and more, the only thing in the room that defines me, is the man standing with me, Jesus. And one day, I will walk out of that room entirely, hand in hand with him, leaving the things behind to forever live with him in Heaven.
In closing, I’m reminded of the Samaritan woman whom Jesus meets at the well in John 4. Jesus knew everything about this woman and still he pursued talking with her. He gave her hope by telling her about living water. He let her know that he knew everything she had ever done. He didn’t shame her. He sat and talked more with her. At the end of the story, the woman runs into the town and tells everyone to “Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did.” Why was it significant that he had told her everything she had ever done? It was significant because he loved her anyways.
The Holy Spirit told me to tell you what He did. He stepped into my mess and met me right where I was for the millionth time. He took me by the hand, told me he loved me, and helped me overcome my shame. Then he gave me even more of a heart to show the world what happens when you leave your shame and your burdens at the cross and follow Him.
Jesus knows every thing we have ever done, every thing that has ever happened to us. Still, He comes to where we are, sits down next to us, and tells us about living water and how if we drink of His living water, we will never thirst again, and it will become in us a spring of water welling up to eternal life. (john 4:13)
