Over the last 5 months something has become very evident: Communication is not my strong suit.
It's funny really because words are definitely the strongest of my God given gifts. In my flesh it means that I can write a research paper in 2 hours and manage to get a B+ even though its only 2 pages long (true story). In the Spirit, it means that God has given me power to build up and speak life through writing and speaking to individuals or groups. I've learned to accept and recognize this truth during the Race.
With this gift in mind, I still find communication to be one of my biggest challenges. The prospect of writing emails or blogs can be exhausting. I'm far too critical of my own writing for blogs, and thinking of all the emails I should be writing is enough to overwhelm me into doing something else. Add all of these things to the fact that I loathe talking on the phone and it has lead to 5 months of sporadic communication with family, friends, followers and supporters. [I'm not even sure if I used the right lead… Was it supposed to be "led"?]
The first 3 months I know I needed to have distance, so I would be present with my team and ministry. Starting in April, however, God really laid on my heart that not only is my writing not meant just for my eyes, but that He would use my words to build up and encourage others, but also to strengthen my relationships.
I have a daily choice to be obedient. Most days, I feel too "busy" to sit down and email or write. I may also feel like I'm such a mess at this point that the words won't come out how they're supposed to and it will all be fleshly instead of Godly.
I also struggle with pride. Being transparent is not my strong suit. I don't want to be vulnerable when I'm processing. Sure, I might be able to force out some of it to the people in my immediate vicinity, but I don't want to advertise to friends and followers that I'm still "in-process". I don’t want people to encourage me with stuff that I already know. I don't want to reveal my insecurities and struggles until I have it all figured out and wrapped up in a neat little package with an encouraging bow.
It's silly. It's sinful.
Who really has it all together? Being raw and real can be more encouraging than being the perky encouraging person who has the sun shining out of their hind-quarters all the time. That person isn't real.
"It's time to grow Emma Abigail Brubaker. Get over yourself and press on."
Before leaving for the Race they asked us to write 2 blogs a week. Starting now, I'm challenging myself to do just that: 2 blogs a week. With all of the ideas that have popped into my head on this 8 hour bus ride today, I should be okay for a while, but we'll see what happens when I hit times of trial again. I’ll add emails onto that list.
So don’t be shocked if everything isn’t pretty. Don’t panic. Really, I’m okay. I wouldn’t trade a minute of this experience to be somewhere else. Everything I’m going through is for the best.
SOOO. Raise your water bottles with me: Cheers to learning to be transparent and "in-process".
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