I recently stumbled across this blog that I wrote about a year and a half ago and had to post it here after the last blog I wrote. It is so funny to me how I can be asking God's kingdom to come and for Him to bring me to the next season of life after asking Him to do that very thing when I was applying for the World Race last year. Sometimes it would be nice to learn these lessons the first time I go through them, but I know God is faithful to teach us them again and again when we forget them. I know I stumbled across this for a reason, so if anything here's a quick flashback of where I was when I was applying for the Race, and where my heart was when I was still a relatively new believer. Enjoy 🙂
One of my greatest weaknesses is patience, and I think that this is a major lesson the Lord has been teaching me the past couple of years. Not the type of patience that involves waiting for a meal at a restaurant or sitting for an extra thirty seconds at a stoplight. If the average person were to look at me in those types of situations, they could possibly think that I was the epitome of the virtue. What a silly façade. There is so much of me that just wants everything now. I am in a get-everything-quick age, born on the East Coast of one of the highest-speed nations on the planet. I have been medically diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (who hasn’t these days). I’ve taken SO many matters into my own hands because I’ve wanted something, and I’ve wanted it now. Just thinking about some of the most precious moments that I’ve hastened the process of brings tears to my eyes and deeply hurts my heart. The lies I’ve told to assure myself of obtaining these things, plotting and tricking others to give me what I “need.” It sickens me. But God has shown me the greatest amount of patience, through His continual pursuit of me and unconditional love.
It’s taken me awhile to post in this site again. First off, I don’t know how often I’ll post here, mainly because I have a community of believers now to talk with about my personal issues (and also a personal journal for that), and I don’t think it's appropriate for this to become a candid and public confessional. I’m open, but not that open. I can’t tell you the anxiety I felt when my parents found this site…and the amount of editing that immediately ensued. As time has passed, I've realized how much of a blessing it was to confess all of this to them, albeit in a bizarre and indirect way. I think the honesty was able to show the glory of God and how much darkness He was (and still is) able to save me from.
Second, I have always had a life pursuit of wisdom (hence the psychology and humanities), and even as a non-believer I related to Ecclesiastes 7:23 when it said “All this I have tested by wisdom. I said, ‘I will be wise,’ but it was far from me.” My first pursuit as a believer was to figure out what biblical wisdom was and how to obtain it. This is what stuck out to me the most:
Fear of the LORD is the foundation of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in good judgment. (Proverbs 9:10)
However:
The woman named Folly is brash. She is ignorant and doesn’t know it. She sits in her doorway on the heights overlooking the city. She calls out to men going by who are minding their own business. “Come in with me,” she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, “Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!” But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave. (Proverbs 9:13-18)
How many times have I been this woman? Too often to count, that’s for sure. This is why I have kept quiet. My brashness has gotten me in a host of trouble and the last thing I would want is for the wisdom of my flesh to haphazardly spill on this page.
Anyways, my spirit is restless. I pray daily for contentedness, because the Lord has put me in this town to shine His light where there is darkness. So many people need Him out here, and I am honored to be given this opportunity. Yet there is such a huge desire in me to go other places. I am deeply saddened by the amount of entitlement here, the abuse of blessings and the gross objectification of humans. I am learning to forgive and not take things personally anymore, but it’s a daily struggle. A large part of me wishes I could have been born ugly to this world, that I could have been born dumb, that I could have been born in the poorest of villages in the poorest of nations. It’s so difficult to love this world, it blows my mind that He’s able to, but that’s what I’m called to do. Thy kingdom come Father, please. I’d much rather strip down everything that I have than live in this city of excess, brains, and beauty. I don’t care anymore about the knowledge from my classroom. There is so much more out there, so much more to do. I am wasting away trying to selfishly gain knowledge—and for what? Who cares if I can prove an alternate hypothesis, or tell you the impact Fechner had on psychology?
So I’m learning to trust, to be patient. Trust my Father, that He has put me in this place and time for a reason and that all of this knowledge will be used for His kingdom in some way, shape or form. I’ve been really clearing out my heart of the baggage that has built up over the years—His redemption is real, and I know that I’ll be better equipped after all of this to serve Him. His Spirit has freed me from so much, and like I said before, I’m a piece of work. To Him be the glory.
16But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,20idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.
(Galatians 5: 16-25)
