The race is a challenging experience that is full of excitement, anxiety, uncomfortableness, love, trials and adventure. This is a testimony of God’s goodness and power and how he has challenged me to be a beautiful woman of Christ.
Last month I felt God calling me to give up alcohol for the remainder of the race and to continue to do so for 11 months after that. I didn’t feel God was telling me to do this because I was having a problem controlling my use, but more so because of why I was choosing to drink. I realized before I left for the race that I was unknowingly getting back into some old bad habits. I was coping with stress or obstacles in my life with alcohol, food, TV, or sleep. I felt that God was telling me that I only need him and nothing else to use as a crutch when times get tough. I realized I wasn’t leaning on him, but instead was coping in other ways. So I made a commitment to truly be present and to choose to feel whatever feelings I was going through, even if they were uncomfortable.
About a week ago, I feel God tested that commitment. The man that raped me years ago reached out to me via social media. I was shaken. I was anxious, nauseous and emotional. I knew I had forgiven him awhile ago, but I didn’t realize that I was still holding onto control in regards to the memories of it. I could control when I thought about it and when I didn’t. I was shaken because I didn’t have control over this; but instead he had control, just like he had before.
I was anxious at the idea of him thinking of me and choosing to pursue me; even if it was just a social media friend request. I had choosen years ago to de-friend him from all social media outlets, because I didn’t think it was healthy to continue to seem him constantly on my news feed, but here he was again, “wanting to be my friend.”
My initial thought was I want to escape and not think about this. I just want to go back to my room and go to sleep, or eat my sorrows aways with fatty french fries, or maybe I can get a hold of a big bottle of wine and drown my emotions away. But I didn’t do that instead I told my team members and decided to go for a walk. I asked my squad leader Stephanie to walk with me to the beach. We walked in silence as I requested from her, but in that silence I feel I truly dealt with how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. I stayed present and felt every single emotion I was meant to feel, no matter how uncomfortable, sad, painful, or haunting they made me. I felt them all!
After an hour of laying on the beach, I finally felt something different. I felt warmth, warmth from the sun. In that warmth I could feel warmth in my heart. Warmth from God. I felt that God allowed me to heal. Heal fully and wholeheartedly, but more importantly helped me to release control. The control over my emotions, the control over my hurt, the control over it all.
Stephanie shared with me that while we were sitting on the beach together, God showed her an image of a Japanese art form called Kintsugi. It reminded her of the symbolism behind it. This art form is where an artist takes a piece of pottery and breaks it. They then repair it by piecing it back together with lacquer dusted with Gold, which turns it into something even more beautiful than before. The idea is that I am a piece of pottery that has been broken, but I have been able to piece myself back together on my own. I’m basically put back together correctly except for a few pieces that may be slightly off. I try to hold onto those pieces and say, “Yeah, I’m fine, I got this,” but in fact I’m not put back together completely. For me to truly be perfect, God has to break me again in certain places to be able to put me back together perfectly into the woman of God he wants me to be. It hurts, it is hard, but like the Kintsugi art, it is more beautiful now than ever before.
I have forgiven and I feel I have moved on from my rape, but the fact is, I will NEVER forget. I have wasted YEARS trying to cope and numb my emotions. But it is finally with God’s goodness that I am able to truly move on and heal the way he wants me to!
“I will restore to you the years that the locust have eaten” Joel 2:25
Glory be to God, because I am a beautiful piece of art that he has created! I have lots of cracks in me, but they are filled with the gold of God’s love, mercy and grace!
