I’m Emily Werness and after 11 countries, 13 planes, at least 18 buses, countless taxi rides, and 54 bucket showers, the time has come to begin the journey back. It’s going to be strange not living out of a pack anymore and not being surrounded by my L squad family. But, I know the most important things I bring back with me are not seen – they are not cool Thai pants or coffee beans from 4 continents – they are unseen. And they all flow from one thing we need to settle with the Lord before we can truly live, before we can truly love anyone else.
Identity. Do you know who you are? I thought I did when I left for the World Race back in September, but it became apparent right away that I was putting my worth in the eyes of others. I was falling into comparison and coming up feeling worthless and inadequate in the shadow of my fellow squad mates. I placed my identity in the eyes of those around me and receiving affirmation from them.
The Lord started working on my heart and digging down to the depths to find the source of my feelings of worthlessness. This began in Thailand when my squadmate talked to us about Fatherhood and extending grace to our parents because at the end of the day we are no better than they are. I had released my tears to my coach, Papa Jim, at training camp about my broken relationship with my own father and he just cried with me and wrapped my in a father hug – Mama Sammye and Papa Jim prayed for restoration and healing between me and my dad from that day forward. Thailand was the starting point in this journey. I knew then I would have to square with the fact that I hadn’t spoken to my dad in 7 years.
Fast forward to month 4, Uganda. On my 25th birthday I received an email from my dad, and it literally caused a physical reaction – my face flushed and my heart started to beat like crazy. Clearly, the Lord was showing me I hadn’t really forgiven him. I also knew then because of the Holy Spirit’s conviction the time had come to face this. I couldn’t wait to reach out to Papa Jim and let him know the latest development, only to hear that he had unexpectedly passed away. It crushed me because I felt my other father figure and biggest supporter in all this was taken from me. My team rallied around me and assured me I was not alone.
Fast forward to the last week in Ethiopia, month 6. I woke up early to greet what I knew would be a difficult morning, and washed my face in the brilliant orange and yellow glow of the sunrise. With my Heavenly Father by my side I began to face the hardness in my heart head on. All my anger and real feelings burst from my heart as tears streamed down my face. The truth finally came out of how unworthy and unpursued I felt and how I felt cheated out of a protective and good example of a father. Wow.
You know when you get so angry that you just want to destroy something or hit something? In that moment I had the overwhelming urge to throw rocks at the fence in front of me, so I brushed my hand across the grass and felt a stone under my right hand. Just as I was about to chuck it to kingdom come, the Holy Spirit whispered to the depths of my heart, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” He knew it was all I need to hear. Hands shaking, I dropped the rock immediately as the reality of what that statement meant flooded my heart. I faced the ugly darkness of unforgiveness and now it was time to air it out so real healing could come. I ended up writing two versions of an email to my dad, sending the one that was honest and real, but not cruel, ending in forgiveness and grace. Because of this, I am walking in so much peace and freedom! I feel so many chains were broken and the intimacy with my Heavenly Father has only increased all the more! This helped start to heal my worth issues, a lot of bitterness, and comparison.
If you had told me a year ago that I would be corresponding with my dad now, I would have laughed in your face! It is only because I found my identity as a daughter of the King, JUSTIFIED, robed in his righteousness, forgiven, chosen, and his power in me that I was able to throw out my feelings of worthlessness and extend the grace given to me. Who am I to hold that back from anyone? Because I understand more deeply this mystery of grace and what it means to be forgiven and what it cost for my justification, I can walk in such freedom! I have the anchor of hope that will never be shaken and because of that I have crazy amounts of joy flowing out – waiting to be poured on everyone I meet!
The months I doubted who I was and lingered in lies instead of holding onto truth are the months I was drained and found it difficult to pour out to my team, my host, and the people.
I am walking away from this race solidified in my identity. My main take away from this race is how VITAL it is that you settle your identity and your worth at the cross of Christ. If you don’t, you will never be able to get past the doubts, comparison, and lies. You are HIS. If you truly walk in that, freedom, love, grace, and forgiveness will abound and spill out because you are secure. Nothing can stand against you.
I am chosen, JUSTIFIED, fearfully and wonderfully made, and this is my final word from the field.
“…weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
-Psalm 30:5
