I’m Emily Werness and there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head. In less than a week it’s Thanksgiving. In just over a week my squad will board a plane bound for Africa. The first leg of our journey is almost over. Time is a tricky tricky vixen – seemingly passing at an alarmingly fast rate and then screeching to a trickling pace. Praise you Father that you exist outside of our sense of time!
Traveling and missions work do not bring us closer to God. God brings us closer to God. He uses people and circumstances to speak to us sure, but it is always Him. Here are some lessons/struggles God and I have been wrestling with:
- My identity. Not gonna lie, at Training Camp, Launch, and even into the first couple months of the Race I felt like I did not belong in my squad. I felt that I had nothing to contribute because there were already so many amazing men and women stepping up and out in their giftings. The places I normally step into seemed “full” and what I had to offer wasn’t needed. I felt alone among this group of my brothers and sisters. Through these feelings (and a close friend), God revealed to me that perhaps he had me among many people yet feeling alone because I have usually been surrounded by friends and everybody who wanted me to be a part of the group, event, or whatever it is and that had become an identity for me. Now, here, it is just the naked me before God. I realized (but still fight some days) that I was placing my identity in the eyes of those around me instead of where it actually lies – at the cross of Christ. When it is all stripped away – when it is just me alone in a room (or my tent), just me before my Father, do I feel anxious and uncomfortable or do I feel completely at peace and loved? The question of my worth was settled at the cross and I have forgotten that. So often I have struggled with the question of my worth and being here on the Race brought it all back – feeling completely inadequate and useless within this group of people. It’s a filthy lie from the enemy and I know that in my head, I do. Now, daily, it is a process for that truth to reach my heart. So many people today, old and young alike, question who they are and what their purpose is in this world. The answer is simple: we are all precious children of God, deeply loved by him. My identity is in Christ alone – forgiven, loved, accepted, and equipped. It is in the power of this identity that I must walk in every day of my life or I cannot hold the shadow of a hope to make it on my own. In Christ alone there is freedom and there is life. Where have you placed your identity?
- Listening and obeying. Just because I am on the World Race doesn’t mean God speaks to me in crazy ways that he didn’t before. It doesn’t mean he speaks to me every day and that I now have some mega powerful connection with the Spirit I didn’t before. God spoke to me at home and he speaks to me here on the Race. Like in any relationship, in order to hear from the other person you actually have to spend time together and talk to each other. So, prayer and reading and actually meditating on the Word are still vital to my daily life here on the Race – just like they are at home. Skipping that time (there are days I have) only hurts. It hurts me and my relationship with Jesus; it hurts my team; it hurts those I am trying to love and minister to. In order to pour out I need to be filled up. It’s that simple. So, that is why I try and make my coffee dates with Jesus my number one priority. Here’s where my big struggle comes in – listening to the Spirit, receiving those little nudges and then doing nothing about it. Obeying and stepping out has been a struggle for me – it was at home and it is here. God isn’t going to force me to do anything, it’s my choice. God’s putting these opportunities in place and sometimes, honestly, because it is easier to keep walking or to go back to my tent for the night, I let them sit. It’s not something I am proud of, but God gives me grace and I need to have more for myself. I want to obey! But, at times my desire to serve myself overpowers. Essentially, this is what I am trying to learn and what I am trying to understand: what does it actually look like to die to myself daily?
- Doing vs Being. Being on the Race means your full-time job is basically serving and doing ministry. It is all too easy to get caught up in the doing: meeting with as many people as you can, scheduling more worship or prayer sessions, walking the streets when you are done working at the café or university and looking for more, planning meaningful team times, planning Bible studies, etc, etc. There is nothing wrong with any of those things. It comes down to the heart of the matter. I have struggled with the Martha vs Mary sides of my heart. I love to do things and work hard and plan and yet this month and last month I have found myself content with just going to our scheduled ministry and a few extra moments the Lord put in front of me (helping Mai with her English and just talking life with the receptionist at our hotel). I began to question myself and ask, “Are you really doing enough? You could do more – see more students, see the women at New Life more, take time to talk and get to know Ohm and Dan at the gym more!” My heart starts to beat faster just thinking about it all and I get anxious and feel guilty for not doing more. And yet, I was reminded of this simple truth that quieted my Martha side, “Our Lord calls us to no special work – He calls us to himself.” (Oswald Chambers) Being. Just spending time with Jesus and sitting at his feet – drinking in his presence – that’s all he really wants. He wants all of us – all of me, all of my heart. This is what Mary understood and Jesus called it out in her, “There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:42) Doing flows from being. Spending time with Jesus and getting to know his heart is what will fuel my own heart to overflow with love, joy, and peace and a desire to share that with others. It is not out of obligation or a way to boost my own pride or ego, but out of LOVE will I want to serve others. I am working to make more of my Mary side.
I’m Emily Werness and God, you kill me sometimes….but I trust you.
