This Blog Has Been Reposted:
I never thought I would write a blog about this subject, due to the fact that society has put some constraints on what is considered confident vs. cocky.
But after a long conversation with the Lord, I have decided that this needs to be discussed.
It is hard being the pretty girl.
Now before you classify me as self righteous and egotistical, please finish reading this blog.
My whole life I have grown up being the center of attention. I was the baby of my family and for years, all eyes were on me. Not only did I have a large personality but I had the looks to go along with it. Since I could remember people had been telling me that I had the “whole package”. Nice teeth. Good hair. Pretty eyes. Fast metabolism. I had all the aspects that society defined as “conventionally” beautiful. How I looked played a large role in who I was. As high school rolled around I began to define myself by the exterior. I fell in love with makeup and fashion. And I became passionate about modeling. I craved being in front of the camera.
Did I know I was pretty? Yes.
Was I humble? Not at all.
Did I love myself? No.
Every night these questions plagued my head.
How could I know that I was beautiful and not love myself?
Why did I always feel inadequate?
Around junior year I began to feel convicted about how I viewed myself. It soon turned into shame. I was shameful of being pretty. I felt bad that I drew attention. I felt bad admitting that I knew I was beautiful. So when people complimented me, I insisted that they were wrong and that I really was not that attractive. I was convicted for lusting over my own looks. I thought that humility meant lacking self love. For two years I lived my life feeling self conscious and inadequate. I had a burning desire to seek the approval of others around me. With some I was cocky, with others I was self loathing. I did what I “thought” was appropriate in the moment.
During month one of the race, Papa completely wrecked my heart. He made it very apparent to me that I had been loathing myself, because I had been uncomfortable acknowledging what He he had given me. As I was reading Hosea, this scripture spoke to me.
“She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold – which they used for Baal.” ~ Hosea 2:8
I had spent the majority of my life either parading my beauty or hiding it. I was shameful not because I was beautiful, but rather because I had not acknowledged that The Lord was the one who gave me it. How could I love myself when I was searching for the approval of the people around me rather than accepting the love that Jesus offered?
Being the “conventional” pretty girl is hard. Sometimes I am seen for my exterior rather than my heart and certain perceptions are made of me because of how I look.
I am currently working as a high school english teacher in Fang, Thailand. Everyday, students and staff alike comment on my looks. Some good, some bad. And in Asia blue eyes are rarely seen, so they are fascinated with mine. They stare and point, constantly wanting to take photos with me. And everyday I struggle to maintain humble and confident in who Papa tells me I am. I hear the soft whisper of the enemy, but it is drowned out by the booming voice of my Father. He speaks truth over me. He tells me I am passionate, understanding and loving. He knows my heart. He knows my intentions. He calls me beautiful. I now acknowledge that these are not my gifts, but parts of Christ that dwell inside of me. I am more than my shell, but I love my shell as well. I am a confident woman of Christ and I know who my King is. I am finally getting comfortable and walking in the beauty bestowed upon me. Because you see, Christ gives us all gifts and beauty in different forms.
When did we decide that the world had the option to tell us which gifts are greater than others?
So to the young women out there questioning who you are, why not ask Christ who He says you are.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” ~ Galatians 1:10
The words of this world will fade. The approval of humans will fluctuate. But the love of Christ is eternal.
