Blogging is hard.
One day I have a million ideas in my head about things I would like to write down and then I scoop myself a bowl of ice cream, turn on Friends and forget about it.
Except the problem is that I want to write, because I want to remember.
I want to remember that when I applied, I jumped up and down screaming and ran down the stairs to celebrate with my roommates.
I want to remember that when I had my first interview I was so groggy and unprepared for the questions, that I just shut down and tried to get through it without actually telling what was on my heart.
I want to remember that I had uncontrollable (and uncharacteristic) tears just flowing whenever they felt like it for the first 3 days after I paid my initital deposit. I didn't want to cry, had no reason to be teary, and trust me if I could've stopped them I would've, but they certainly had a mind of their own.
I want to remember how I was never nervous or anxious once about the fundraising process. Not when I first heard about the race 2 years ago and not when I applied.
And I want to remember that when I was driving home from school one afternoon, asking God if He was going to show up and big ways, He said yes. And when I got home He proved that to be so, so true.
So today, instead of turning on Friends after I scooped myself some ice cream, I decided to process some of my thoughts, which is no easy task.
***
Since being accepted on the race I have been ALL over the place with my emotions, it's as if someone spins themselves in circles and randomly points to a feeling each day assigned just for me.
Happiness. Bouncing off the walls with excitement. Joyful. Giddy. Peaceful.
Completely satisfied in the Lord and
soaking in all of the blessings He has been constantly giving me.
I have also felt exhausted. Selfish. Inadequate. Anxious. And today, for the first time, I felt scared.
At times I have failed to see God in the process.
At times I would rather close my eyes and not think about what's happening
Because it's overwhelming.
I think that is the best way to describe how I am feeling. Overwhelmed. Yet, at the same time I'm not.
I've never been good at making up my mind.
God has completely paved this path and led me every step of the way.
He introduced me to the race.
He has blessed this trip beyond my wildest imagination in the fundraising process.
He has comforted my parents and my sisters.
He confirmed that I should stay on Q Squad. For a while I was going back and forth, Q squad or S squad.
Go back to the countries where I first heard about the race on S squad, use my broken Spanish and go to places I love?
or
Go on the route that I was initially drawn towards. The route that made me change my mind from going in September to going in July, because I thought if I didn't go on this route I would be missing something huge.
After praying for a few weeks, talking to my roommates and once again constantly changing my mind between route 1 or route 3, I knew Q squad was where I was supposed to be. To top it off, the weathermen started naming winter storms, and a few days into the process winter storm Q rolled around.
Not winter storm Quinton or Qdoba, just plain old Q. That made things pretty clear.
***
So while my thoughts and emotions are still a little jumbled I am not freaking out. Not yet.
I know God has it under control and for Him everything is already put in place. Every little piece of this colorful and crazy puzzle that not even my grandma could put together, was all made in His hands and I can't wait for it to come together in July.
