What was my biggest fear coming on the Race?
Leaving America for 11 months? No. Having all my belongings in one backpack? No. Not having my friends and family around me for a year? No. Missing holidays? No.
My biggest fear coming on the World Race was not being able to be in control of the food I was eating or my ability to work out how I wanted to.
Health and wellness is something that I have become passionate about within the past few years and made an important part of my life. My senior year of college I wasn’t pleased with the way I felt in my body or the foods I was putting in my body so I consciously made a decision to change my lifestyle, not to go on a diet, but to actually make a shift in what I was doing with my body and putting in it. I worked really hard; I slipped up but gave myself grace and continued to work hard and within the past 3 years have lost 30 pounds. I began feeling so much better about myself and having more energy. I tried workouts that I never thought I could do, like running; starting with a 5K, a 10K a couple months later, eventually a year later running a half marathon and also a triathlon. I felt great, loved healthy foods and how they made my body feel and was trying all the new things- running, zumba, cycling, yoga, etc.
But like all good and glorifying things can, healthy living made a turn for the worse and became obsessive.
I began thinking about every calorie I was eating, feeling guilty if it was “too much” and constantly thinking about how I could counteract overeating. So much time was spent throughout the day in front of the mirror, poking and prodding my stomach and thighs. I could never rest in satisfaction with how far I’d come or the strength in my body but constantly heard the lie that it still wasn’t good enough. I allowed myself one “treat” per week and anything in access caused guilt and many thoughts about hours in the gym to work it off. Being “healthy” became an obsession to me yet what I didn’t understand is the way I was living was far from being healthy; I was allowing it to become an idol in my life.
So fast forward to coming on the World Race. There was so much fear in losing my body that I had worked so hard for, yet I didn’t even love that body so it made no sense. Eating on the Race was hard for me cause it consists of food that I not only cut out of my life but also don’t necessarily even like- white rice, pasta, bread and basically all carbs. I tried to work out each month but things would come up like injuries, being constantly hot or just being plain tired of P90X and Insanity; so through these circumstances, I gained weight. 15 pounds to be exact within the course of the 11 months. And guess what? I survived, contrary to my popular belief, my world did not end or crumble around me by gaining weight.
Yes, gaining weight sucked and I did spend time thinking about it throughout the months. You can ask Mom and Justin about how much I complained to them about getting fat. BUT I firmly believe I had to walk through this past year of not being in control, of giving my tight grip on my body over to the Lord completely and see myself how He sees me. The Lord doesn’t give a crap about the number on the scale or how my abs look today, He cares about my heart and sees me as truly perfect, every crevice and piece of me. He calls me beautiful every single day and I can confidently say as I sit here today and hear His voice, I believe Him; I believe my body is exactly the way it should be and is strong. Yes I still feel very passionate about health and wellness but no longer do I obsess over it. I do what feels good for my body and eat what is healthy for my body, but also allow myself to eat the yummy cookies and brownies and froyo. My body is a temple and that is why I choose to take care of it, but I have to constantly remind myself it is not an idol; this body is the Lord’s.
“Bowing down to poor self image can be equally unhealthy… Self-loathing is just another form of self-absorption, having thought all along it was a sign of humility. Constantly thinking little of ourselves is thinking constantly of ourselves.” Beth Moore
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Currently, I am in Chiang Mai, Thailand in my second month of squad leading! The whole squad of 37 is together this month working against sex trafficking by partnering with Zion Cafe ministry. Please consider donating to my next 3 months on the field by finding the “Support Me” link up top!
