Preface: Project Searchlight is a re-entry debrief for our squad to process coming home and what just happened to us the last 9 months.
The race is over. We have fought the good fight. We have returned back to America and now it is time to move on. We are no longer traveling the world speaking the name of Jesus and working miracles in His name. We are no longer in constant community. We are no longer growing into the people God shaped us to be. We are now back to the people and lives we lived 9 months ago. Right?
Wrong.
This season of life I am stepping into next is not a place of dormancy. It’s not a place of getting comfortable again and fitting perfectly back into my old life. It is actually quite the opposite.
To be completely authentic, I did not want to come to Project Searchlight. I was happy where I was in my re-entry process and thought things were going totally fine. I was glad to be back with my family and my pup and coming back to Gainesville with my race family was only going to make it harder to once again return home. But I have come to learn that I have slight FOMO (fear of missing out for all you oldies) and I knew my friends would be there so why not go? Well little did I know that Jesus was going to step in and totally wreck my life as it is right now. He spoke loud and clear that the way I had been living at home was not righteous. I was not living for His Kingdom and seeking Him out every day. I was not continuing on to be the person He shaped me to be on the race (even though I thought I was).
For awhile when I first got here I couldn’t feel the Lord’s presence. I couldn’t hear his voice and it seemed like my mind and thoughts were spinning every time I tried to focus on Him during worship and quiet time. I would sit and try to talk to Him, but nothing came. I felt so betrayed and alone. To put in bluntly, I was frustrated and annoyed. But then my friend Mckayla convinced me to a sign up for a prophetic room that they were offering and see if the Lord was trying to tell me something that I just couldn’t hear. So I did and man was I blown away. God spoke very clearly to me in only 2 words:
Choose Me.
It was as simple as that. God was at a distance from me because I wasn’t choosing Him. I may have been choosing to sit with Him and try to talk with Him now that I was here, but to be completely honest, I haven’t spent much time at all with God since being home. Sure I pray and journal occasionally, but compared to how things were on the race, I was a major slacker. I hadn’t been choosing Him. I hadn’t been listening and devoting time and energy to Him on the daily.
Being here has shown me how important it is to not only continue to walk out the Emily that I was on the race, but continue seeking and growing and pushing into Jesus more and more.
The problem I had was that I had fear. Fear of man to be exact. I was so afraid to really continue my “missionary mindset” at home because I was terrified of rejection from people close to me. I didn’t want people to think that I was weird or crazy because I walk up to random strangers in the grocery store and ask to pray for them. But that is just proving that I’m not giving everything up to God. I’m hanging onto my only life even though I have already died to Him. This just showed me that my faith isn’t completely stable on the foundation that the Lord provides us with and if I can’t trust Him with my whole heart and life then am I really even a Christian at all?
Well the answer to that question is a harsh reality. I never would say that I am embarrassed of my faith, but apparently I am not willing to go to all extremes for my Savior because I am so concerned with what other people think and potentially will say. But where is that getting me? No where. Well actually it’s getting me farther away from Christ and closer to satan which is NOT where I want to be.
Things must change.
When I go home this time, I will choose God. I will choose His Kingdom every second of every day that I am living (which is for eternity because yay Jesus!) and I will no longer live in fear of man and fall into a lazy and unmotivated version of myself. I will be in active pursuit of God each day because I truly love Him with all my being and want to be as close to Him as possible.
So there ya have it. Now you can all hold me accountable for this declaration and call me higher. I actually ask that you do this because I am constantly seeking growth. But also extend grace cause I’m still human and I’m no where near perfect : )
Thank you for tuning in with me for the last 9 months (even though I haven’t been the best at blogging (sorry mom)) and for praying and supporting and walking alongside me in this CRAZY journey.
You are all so special.
Emily
