If you were to ask me what my all-time, number one worry was, I would say: money. Hands down, no second-guesses.
I’m not sure when I started worrying about such things, but I think it happened some time towards the end of high school and the beginning of college. For a whole assortment of reasons, I have since that time been quite anxious about the numbers in my bank account and the bills in my wallet.
The year preceding the Race was one of the most stressful years I’ve ever had when it comes to money.
Despite my responsible spending habits and painfully frugal lifestyle, I was still pretty broke, generally speaking. Right around the time that my bank account was almost completely drained, I (conveniently) signed up for the World Race. That meant that I suddenly had to start spending money that I didn’t have on things like stamps and camping gear and vaccinations. But the Lord consistently, infallibly provided for every last purchase. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop me from expending so much mental energy worrying about money.
I remember one time at church I missed the entire sermon because I was so consumed by thoughts about how to make my most recent paycheck last a lot longer than it could. By the time I devised some kind of plan to make things work, the service was ending. That situation was pretty illuminating. It made me realize that I completely lacked trust in the Lord. It absolutely did not believe that He could make things work for my good. My worries were hurling me quickly into an entirely unhealthy place.
Soon after that, I decided to get serious about trusting God with money. I kept acting in faith with my purchases for the Race, trusting that everything would work out. I got more generous in my giving to people even though my income didn’t increase at all, because I was so humbled by the Lord’s generosity with me. And slowly, I started to realize that being in a place of complete dependence on the Lord is actually a good place to be.
I realized that when my bank account was “full”, I didn’t rely on the Lord enough. I had a false sense of security and self-sufficiency and I convinced myself that I could meet my own needs, pay my own bills, or otherwise provide for myself without any help from God. I didn’t need him, so I didn’t need to trust him. But suddenly, when my needs exceeded my ability to provide, I found myself going back to the Lord, tail between my legs, asking for help like a Prodigal Daughter ashamed to admit that I couldn’t do it on my own.
The great thing about God is that he doesn’t turn away a repentant heart. Instead of rejecting me and saying, “You said you didn’t need me, so go figure it out on your own,” the Lord was merciful and kind. He knew I was scared and uncomfortable with not being in control, but he also knew that my relationship with him was being greatly restricted by my inability to trust him completely. So the Lord took me seriously when I asked him to teach me how to trust him. And that’s what we’ve been working on a lot this year.
The primary way God has taught me this lesson of trust is by making my bank account continue to shrivel in hopes that my reliance on him would swell. And it’s been working. Throughout the year, I’ve had all kinds of needs that I’ve taken to the Lord and said, “I’m trusting you here. If you don’t provide, it simply won’t work out.”
There have been some pretty major times that the Lord provided: ask me about the $100 that showed up at my parents' house after I prayed for new running shoes, or the time I got a free pair of (perfectly fitting and stylish) jeans two days after my favorite pair ripped to their death. Then there was the month I gave up spending money, which meant I consequently gave up Coke and supplemental food and Internet since that’s usually what I spend money on these days. It was admittedly difficult to go without, but the value of the lessons I learned vastly outweighed the pain of the sacrifice.
What all of these experiences have helped me realize is that the Lord is my portion and I shall not want or need anything – absolutely anything – else in the world.
Think about what that really means. If the Lord never provided anything for me ever again, would I still call him my Provider? Would I still believe he could provide? Regardless of what the Lord gives or does not give me, do I believe that He is enough?
If the Lord is my Portion, then I am not satisfied by the things he does or gives, but by him. Him alone.
The thing I’ve come to realize is that the Lord is enough. He satisfies and fulfills and provides every last need and desire I place before him. He wants to give me things, but more than that the Lord wants to give me himself. Before that will happen though, the Lord wants me to want him. He desires for me to desire him. He wants me to be so fully satisfied by the richness of his love that every other desire in my life is just an offshoot of that, a secondary, supplemental afterthought.
The Lord is so totally my portion and I shall not want. I am fully satisfied by him and him alone. But I didn’t always think this way, and in fact I am still learning how to operate in this mentality. If you, too, want to know and believe that the Lord is enough, ask him to become your portion with which you can be completely filled and pleased.
