Today we went out for more
Door-to-Door ministry in the middle of nowhere Kenya. It’s Africa, so we walked
everywhere of course. Along the way, as my feet fell into step behind our
Pastor & my eyes gazed upon the ground, my thoughts began to trail off. I
was singing, “Prepare the way. Prepare
the way. Prepare the way of The Lord.� Somewhere in the gap between houses
I wondered about the earth that my feet were currently treading upon.
“I know
Jesus is coming back to this earth. Yes. Yes, indeed. And I know that He will
walk around the earth physically…close enough for man to weep and/or rejoice in
Him. Yes. Hmmm…� I pause. “I wonder if this
is a patch of earth that He will walk upon. Will Jesus’ feet literally walk
these steps that I am walking right now? I wonder what that would be like?
He’d know what to do. He’d know what to say. He’d know what questions to ask to
get right to the heart of things. He’d know who to hug and to laugh with. He’d
know who to purse and who to simply smile at. Where would His gaze be if my
footsteps were His own? Would He weep? Would He sing? Would He dance? What
would Jesus be thinking in this moment as His feet walk this same beaten path
as mine?�
Hmmhmm.
The questions within me
abound as understand wanes. The lack of answers merely produces this aching cry within me. Shouldn’t I
know the answers to what My Lord would do? After all He lives within me.
Well…that’s what people keep telling me. And they, along with myself, still
seem to be lacking. How can we lack & yet have God inside of us? What keeps
Him inside of me rather than outside of me? Oh the inner ache begins again. How
I know I was created to have the Life within me burst forth out of me. But what
good is it to KNOW… if it doesn’t happen?
~~~Holy Discontent~~~
I met Margaret the day
before, my first door-to-door in Kenya. 40 something years along in life and
she replied to my question of “Are you born again?� with the most peculiar answer.
She said, “Yes but only to a point.�
“Why only to a point?� I
asked.
She proceeded to explain
that Jesus is her Savior, but it’s hard to believe when you go home and things
with your husband are bad. She eluded to violence there. And I could literally
see the pain in her eyes. In that moment, I wanted something to say…anything
really. I stared at the ground, hoping someone would step in and say
something…cause I had nothing.
I’m trained in how to listen & ask questions to get to the right
information. But what in the world does one do in the middle Kenya when a woman
is unsafe & there seems to be no hope.
I asked more questions to
cover my own hurt and insecurity.
Her husband is not saved
& that is challenging for her…of course it is. And all she wanted was for
us to pray for peace. She questioned if God
could see her & admitted that she wondered if Satan was bigger than
God. (EEEkkk! Hello Day 1 of
ministry.)
“Sure, I can
pray.� I
think to myself, as I cry
out within
me, “God what do I do? She needs You to
intervene & see her…yet I know You see her & care for her.�
I pray.
Matt prays.
Tracey prays.
Margaret leaks a few tears
out.
And then I speak…
I got this sense that she
was on the verge of hopelessness & despair. I knew it was right around the
corner for her if she remained on the path. I thought of Job. So I told her
about Job and encouraged her to not give up when she doesn’t see the truth
around herself. I shared Job 15:13 “Though He slay me, yet will I trust/hope in
Him.� I told her to hold on to Him & that He will show Himself faithful in
the end.
I wanted to sit there all
day and work through stuff. I wanted to hold her…but settled for a good-bye hug
instead. I didn’t want to get up and move to the next house. For once I found
someone my heart felt for. We invited her to church & she said she will
come. I don’t know how people are in Kenya about statements like that…so we
shall see.
(UPDATE: We
had 2 visitors at church on Sunday, but none that we had invited this past
week. Meaning Margarent didn’t come. So we are going to try to visit her again
this week. The goal isn’t to get her to come to church, but to have her in
community where she can encounter God.)
And its moments just like
that, which unveil the Holy
Discontent
within me, the inner ache intensifying. And what am I to do
with it?
I don’t want to just come to Kenya, walk around, meet some people in need,
& leave.
“God…Can You
just split the sky here?� I cry out, a little more frustrated than hopeful. I presume
that this Holy
Discontent,
this inner ache, this intense dissatisfaction will remain until Heaven invades earth. But then once again,
we’ve come full circle.
Isn’t God walking this
earth when I am?
Isn’t Heaven invading
earth everyday I exhale?
Something is missing.
Holy Discontent remains.
