Are we serious?
Is this really happening?
Do we realize what
is going on?
The list of minor freak out questions could continue on and on.
And you never really know when the question(s) will surface. Maybe it will
descend upon you while you are cooking dinner or walking to your bed or right
in the midst of ministering to children. You just never really know. But you do
know that they will come.
See before I left the trip hadn’t really hit me. I wasn’t
freaking out. I wasn’t nervous. My only thoughts were how in the world am I
going fit all my stuff in my pack. Haha. My prioritizes were straight. But I
was thinking, “Oh maybe I will freak out when I get to NYC or when I get on the
plane to Paris or when I’m actually in our first country doing ministry.� All
of those options have passed & I have still not freaked out. And that’s
okay. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. It just hasn’t sunk in. I have to keep
reminding myself that all this is really happening. I am really riding a train
being woken up by border guards asking for my passport. I am actually walking
around Romania, relaxing before ministry starts again. I am really working with
neighborhood youth in the middle of a little town in Northwestern Ukraine.
Really? Yeah. It’s a reoccurring conversation among my team,
“Are we really in Ukraine?�
“Yea! It’s crazy!�
“I know. Can you believe this is happening?�
“No. Can you?�
“No.�
“Weird.�
“Okay I’m not the only one.�
Its odd. I’m not really sure how you explain it. In some ways I
feel like I am still in the USA, yet not talking to anyone I know.
Yet it’s only been one month!
So I’m thinking that maybe this next month when we are living in
a village, the reality of this trip will hit me more. If not, oh well. There is no pressure.
On another note, lately I’ve really sensed God molding and
changing my heart and attitudes. PRAISE JESUS. Clearly this was long over
due. I think at the beginning of our time in Ukraine I was really fighting God and the
nudging He was asking of me to surrender to. I came on the race super excited,
knowing God would change me in the process of the trip. And the idea of change
sounded REAL good. But once it starts, dude it hurts!!! Grrr. After living on
your own for so long, the last thing you want is to be told you can’t go ANYWHERE alone. (seriously.) I didn’t
like that. And you have to be open & honest with your team. Definitely
don’t like that…I don’t know these people…why would I just openly trust them?
Why would I even think about bearing my heart? Ummmmm NO!!! I resisted it all
at first. I didn’t want to do this thing. I wanted to be here on the trip, but
on MY TERMS. Ha. That
didn’t last long because you see, as a team we really don’t have a choice. I
mean, we have a choice to not be present, to not process with each other, to
not live in community…but choosing that only produces more and more tension and
frustration. So you, as I did, finally cave to surrendering to Jesus. And when
you do….when I did…it’s a beautiful, beautiful thing. I, through Jesus’ power,
was able to really start to love my team & prefer to be around them. We
still have our conflicts and challenges, but they bring us closer together in
the long run. So I’m not fighting and resisting God in those same ways.
ANNNNNND…I am feeling more and more alive/more and more
like me. Sometimes I feel like I am not being who I am on the inside…which
frustrates me. It happens for a variety of reasons. But lately, like the last 2
or 3 days, I have felt freer and freer to live out the person I am on the
inside. It’s a beautiful thing as well. When I am free, I am able to bring
freedom to others through Jesus.
Just wanted to share some of my most recent thoughts and
feelings.
