Last month I began to get the feeling that I was missing something in my relationship with God. That there was something more to it… some sort of deeper level that I had yet to reach with Him.
This month, I have come to realize that that “something” lies in unity and trust.
Before the Race (and even now to a certain extent) I was an extremely independent person. I was totally confident in doing things on my own – no advice needed, no company or help necessary. In fact, I would have rather done things on my own than with the help of other people (which is really ironic because I love helping people myself). That independence would sometimes even flow into my friendships. I would often try to conquer my interior battles on my own – rarely admitting my deepest weaknesses and asking others for help.
I think this independence stemmed from a lack of trust. Really, the only person that I KNEW I could trust, hands down, 100%, was myself.
It’s funny saying all of this, because at the same time, I did have a lot of trust in people. I had (and still do have) many deep, beautiful friendships with some of the most amazing people on this planet we call Earth. I wasn’t scared to discuss deep things. I wasn’t scared to admit when I was wrong. I wasn’t scared to reach out and help others through their life processes. BUT, I was scared to reach the deepest level of intimacy I could with them. I was scared to get to the strongest level of trust that I could where I would have to completely leave trust in myself behind so that I could fully step into unity with others.
In learning more about friendship and trust here on the Race via our beautifully forced intentional community, I have begun the process of coming out of my independence. Not that I want to lose it fully, because I do believe that it’s healthy to be independent to a certain degree… but I’m learning to find a balance in it.
Through this process, I have come to realize that my lack of trust in others actually stems from a lack of trust that I have in God. I fear reaching that deepest level of intimacy and trust with Him as well, perhaps even more than I do with other people. I fear giving up my independence and desires in order to walk into a united relationship with Him where I allow my desires to become those that He has for me. I fear what big things He might ask me to do that are outside of my comfort zone. I fear what hardships and trials might result.
Whew.
In realizing all of this, I came to understand that I will NEVER be able to reach the deepest level of trust and intimacy that I can with others if I don’t reach them with God first. I will continue to have a hard time being the best friend I can be, best daughter I can be, best sister I can be, best employee I can be, and hopefully one day, the best girlfriend, wife, mother, and grandmother that I can be. It is absolutely imperative that I learn to be in unity with God and choose to put my full trust in Him if I want to have healthy relationships here on earth and if I want to truly honor Him in whatever work I do here.
What’s even more important than those things though is that if I continue to choose to trust myself over God and walk in disunity with Him, I will never be able to enjoy all that He has for my life. I will never be able to fully find joy in Him and in every area of my life. I will be missing out on so so much good! I may also be preventing others from experiencing His joy as well.
Ah!
This month, I have been walking through a conversation with Him (and others) about what it looks like to come to this level of trust and unity. & It’s been so good.
A few days ago, I finally came to the point where I could honestly, open-handedly say to God… “Okay, I’m all in. Whatever you have in store for me, I’m all for it! I trust you, let’s go!”
Double whew!
I’m excited to start walking in this deeper place with God. I’m excited to see what all will result. I’m excited to see how I can be a part of furthering His kingdom through all of it. I’m excited to see how my relationships will change because of it. Yes, I’m scared. Yes, it’s weird. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s confusing.
But it’s beautiful. & I expect it to continually grow more beautiful every day.
