Gandalf: You'll have a tale or two to tell when you come back.
Bilbo: You can promise that I will come back?
Gandalf: No.. and if you do, you will not be the same.
Yes, I am still making Hobbit references. And yes, it is very possible that they will continue for quite some time.
All of that to say, this quote perfectly sums up another huge lesson I've been learning over the past month. As the days draw nearer to my departure, I realize more and more how drastically my life is going to change over the next year. For months I have been asking God the same question that Bilbo asked to Gandalf, "So… you can guarantee that I'll come home for good after this trip, right? That I'll be able to one day be back at home in Delaware or Chicago with my family and friends close by? That I'll be able to come back to the same home, same car, same frisbee team, same grocery store, same comforts, same everything? Right… RIGHT?! That I'll be the same person that I am today?"… and as more time goes by, the more I hear God's response being the same as Gandalf's, "No. I cannot guarantee those things for you. And if you are able to come home, things will not be exactly the same. YOU will not be the same."
This concept is one that is difficult for me to grasp. I like change… but I don't like change. I guess I should say that I like change when it comes to new experiences and new things. I like meeting new people. I like how the seasons change. I like exploring new places and finding new niches… developing new hobbies. I like changing out of dirty clothes and into new ones. I like quarters, dimes, nickels, and sometimes even pennies.
But when it comes to me, my home, my relationships, and my routine… I don't like change. You see, I grew up in an extremely consistent environment. Up until college, I had lived in the same house my whole life… and even now when I go back to Delaware to visit, I still have that home to come back to. I have had the same best friends my whole life (literally since elementary or middle school), and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I went to the same school from 2nd grade to senior year of highschool. & Of course, I can adapt… but it takes me a while. Going off to college in Virginia and afterwards moving to Chicago were both adventures with the whole "change" thing. It took me a while to open up my heart to calling those new places my home… and when I finally did allow myself to look at those new places as home, I could never go back. Newark, Lynchburg, and Chicago will forever be home to me. Those things are hard for me to leave behind. What's even more difficult though, is the thought that I may never be able to live in those places again.
Surprisingly though, I am slowly becoming okay with that concept. The more I think about this trip, discuss it with others, and read blogs of past racers, the more I realize how true the statement, "You will not be the same when you come back" is. & The more thought I put into it, the more excited I get, realizing that I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I don't think anyone could walk away from an experience like this unchanged… and if they do… then something is wrong. I'm excited to see how God changes me. I'm excited (and nervous as anything) to see where He leads me from here. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be able to come back home to America to work a 9-5 job after this… I don't know if I'll be able to come back to America at all (at least maybe not for long), and if I do, I feel that my life will (or at least should) look drastically different than it does today.
I'm excited to see how God takes my concept of home and applies it to each country I live in this year. To see how He teaches me daily that my true home is not a physical place, but is a spiritual place. A place where I am near to Him… that that place can be anywhere… and as long as I am in that place spiritually, it really doesn't matter where on earth I am. I'm excited to see the new relationships He brings my way and to see what I can learn from those (while still maintaining my lifelong friendships back home, of course – you guys will not be forgotten!). I'm excited to see Him in a new light. To see His wisdom and power like I never have before. And I'm excited to see how different I am going to be in a year. It's going to be IN-SANE.
To wrap this up… I leave you with a song that has really helped me through this time of understanding this concept of home and change this week:
Phillip Phillips (what a name, right?) – Home
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE
