This blog was written 1 year ago May 2011 as a way to type out what God was doing when Ryan and I were just considering getting back together after 4 years….it was a blog I didn’t post at the time….so here it is, my heart 1 year ago as I ventured into walking with a man named Ryan Beck who on September 2nd, 2012 I will be dancing with on the dance floor at our wedding…….not even Ryan has read this until now 🙂
Dedicated to: Ryan Beck…thank you for pursuing my heart all these years, i can’t wait to marry you 🙂
May 2011:
The music has been playing for 6 years
now to a beautiful song…but I have not been on the dance floor much…usually
running around here and there to this new and bright shiny thing and the next,
always wondering is the grass greener on the other side?…I should try it out
first because I don’t want to miss out on something more, something better…I
need to sample everything before I decide on my choice, many of you have seen
this clearly in my life, and the same held true for a lot of the last 4
years…of course God had his timing and his plans for growing us individually
these last 4 years too…
…i have always dreamed of a fairy
tale, fairy tale prince, white horse, crown, and as Jessica said someone who
would love me fiercely. I wanted a knight in shinning armor…i wanted a fairy
tale, perfect in all its imperfections…what i didnt see until recently is,
Ryan has always been the fairy tale, he has always been the dream…and as i
waited for Ryan’s response since friday until tonight i realized he was all of
these things, now the questioned remained, would he still choose me?
…as I ran downtown by the water tonight i asked,
“God show me a dolphin…Show me a dolphin so that i will hear you telling me
that yes he is going to say he wants to be with me or tell me, this is my sign
of faithfullness to you that no matter what he says, your peace will remain.”
As i craned my neck running, searching for this dolphin sign, God spoke
clearly, “Stop searching“. I heard this and for the rest of the run
turned my head and did not purposefully look at the water to see a dolphin…
…as i hit the pier and then turned around to run
back i felt God strongly beckoning me to come…come He said, sit on the
seawall where you and i have spent so many hours together going through some of
your hardest times before the race and where you have brought many of your
tears, fears, joy, and prayers…
…As i sat on the seawall i prayed, “Lord help
me tonight, no matter what he decides to do after these 5 days of prayer, let
me be at peace with his decision…be with him, guide him in boldness and
wisdom…and Lord give me a word, vision, anything from you Lord that you want
me to hear right now…i sat for a couple minutes hearing nothing and then God
said, “Open your eyes, do you see the water? On the surface it is so rough
and choppy, all over the place really…these symbolize emotions, feelings,
fears, what the world may throw at you etc…but underneath all of that is Ryan
and his heart…he is strong, steady, unmoving, unconditional, and as true and
real today as he was yesterday, as he will be tomorrow…not something you need
to wonder if it will be there. The surface may change, different seasons of
life happen, we allow the surface to so often be only what we see, we base so
many things off the surface that we make irrational choices or we completely
miss the depth of God’s goodness and beauty beneath the surface. Then God spoke
clear as day and said, “I do not need to show you a dolphin to show you a
sign of faithfulness…Ryan is your sign of faithfulness.” And for the
third time that night God asked me, “Do you trust me? and then Do you
trust him?” To which I replied Yes. After I walked fully into the trust
and what future lied ahead for us in the phone call that would come within the
hour, five minutes later God said, “And now that you walked in trust
without sight, here you go…and up popped a dolphin” 🙂
…He called an hour later, we talked about our days
and then in the season of ‘No Games’ 🙂 he jumped right in with, “I told
you I would be calling you to let you know what I decided after praying about
it these last few days…and my answer is yes. I definitely want to pursue you
Emily, i know it wont be easy, i know there may be hard times, but I am in.
This is what I want. I want you in my life. And then basically something along
the lines of, for however long you will stay, I will be here and I want this. I
want to see what God has in store and where He takes us…
…this last 2 1/2 months has been one of the most
amazing journeys in my walk with the Lord and having him teach me so many
lessons about mature love, commitment, trusting Him and trusting others that he
says you can trust, and most of all maybe, learning to walk not knowing the
answers, not having every emotion, feeling, and butterflies all together, but
hearing clearly from the Lord in the way you should walk…definitely not by
flesh at all because we are taught so much, especially in relationships that
there should fully be that “feeling” first…but i have learned in
invaluable lesson this last week and a half about not trusting what seems
normal and typical and walking in the unexpected. And with obedience and trust
in every step that feels almost backwards at times from what we are taught,
falling so much more in love with Jesus, spending nights on my face praying,
and falling into step with a beautiful song laid out for me to dance to for
however long God continues to play the music…
…Last night I was on my face crying and praying as
God led me to read Hosea and showed me once again that Ryan is Hosea in my
life, called to love me expecting nothing in return, as he was ready to pursue
and love me after me giving him close to nothing to go off of that would deem
me a “good choice” and written all over me was, “this will be tough”.
then God showed me a vision of this man on his knees humbled before the cross
praying. and God spoke, this my child, this is where he has been, for 4 years.
He pursued you through his prayers, all this time…
…Today God gave me a different vision, of Ryan on
a dance floor, dressed in a black suit, little white lights all around, and he
just smiled and he held out his hand…this is our season, this is our dance,
come…… (amazing prophetic vision back in 2011 🙂
…so ladies this is all I got…everything in this area
of my life right now is about 0% me and a 100% the Lord and Ryan, it is like
they have this secret team J God tells Ryan things and prepares him for things he
will go through with me without me knowing…I have sensed since the beginning
that I wasn’t fully “clued in” on what God was doing between us…then there’s
Ryan who surprises me at every turn and seems to just be smiling through this
whole thing with a knowing look in his eye J…this is where I am at,
one step at a time, walking in the Lord’s calling of my life right now, not
knowing what is ahead, not having all my feelings in order…I don’t know how
short or long this time will last, but I trust God…so for now, I am going to
keep dancing…beside a man that I feel leading and guiding me in the steps, who
has my best interest at heart, and who loves me in a way after 6 years I simply
cannot figure out…he is my window, to get one of the closest glimpses of Gods
love, forgiveness, and unending grace…he is my blessing and my gift…
