Last weekend in California, I got a picture of Christ and His crazy love for me…my hope is that as you read this blog you will see yourself, your situation, your struggles, and the crazy love God has for you………
…..upset I woke at 5:30 am, as the sun was rising, showered, got dressed, made the bed, put my shoes on and tip toed past Ryan sleeping on the couch. I didn’t leave a note, didn’t bring my cell phone, and didn’t let him know where I was going…
I was upset from the night before and less than 6 hours later I was running away…tired of feeling I was the one always upset…tired of how quickly the anxiety and low feelings could wash over me (read the last blog entitled ‘A Restless Heart in Waiting’) knowing that the last thing this man probably wanted to do was wake up to a crying, sad girl on his morning to sleep in, yet again dealing with issues and emotions that have come since being back in the U.S. and dealing with my own frustration. So I split…….
Mad and upset I yelled at the Lord, “I am all alone! I am alone walking down this road… physically and emotionally I feel so alone!” I kept walking until I hit the beach, walking down the beach before settling by the water, wanting to think and pray…As you probably gathered from the last blog, many times, even when something small happens, it feels huge and I feel my emotions spiraling out of control, feeling there is nothing I can do to stop the low feelings from hitting…it feels like you are so tired, you just collapse…
I picked up small shells and I made a heart out of them in the sand. I looked at it and thought this looks like my own heart, broken for the nations, in a million pieces and places these days, deflated, and sometimes feeling that it could so easily just crumble…
As I stood to leave not 5 feet away stood Ryan. He put his arms around me, held me close, and said, “Emily, I love you.” Shocked to see him there I asked how he found me…….”When I woke up and found you were gone I set out to look for you, I started on the far end and walked the length of this beach looking for you.” Bitterness, anger, or annoyance held no place in his eyes.
After we talked for a bit we headed back to his apartment…….”Can I make you eggs to eat?” he asked. While he cooked I still felt overwhelmed and tired, so I laid down…not moments passed before I was crying again. He found me, tears streaming down my face and a puddle of tears on the bedspread. I didn’t even open my eyes when he sat next to me, ashamed that yet again I was upset and feeling so weak. I might as well have been a rag doll the way he had to scoop me up into his arms and as mine fell to my side he put his around me and said, “Emily, I would die for you I love you so much. I don’t want you to be sad…I have loved you as long as I have known you, my love for you is unconditional.” Even after that it still took me the rest of the day to shake out of the depression, anxious feelings, and mood. And do you know what else? There was this man, loving, serving, lifting me up, protecting me, treating me to a wonderful day picking apples in an orchard, apple pie, buying me my favorite tea from South Africa, taking me to lunch, and even paying for me to feed some random llamas J
I didn’t treat him well that day…I purposely left the apartment not waking him, not leaving a note, not bringing my phone…my message was clear. I didn’t deserve his kindness, humility, love, patience, and gentleness but it was
all that I saw.
Not until I was on the plane returning home did I see the
symbolism of that day. The Lord showed me that that is exactly the kind of crazy love that He has for me. How often do we run from the Lord, don’t turn to Him, or think He has had it with us
messing up AGAIN and AGAIN…embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated with ourselves and our own sin, we don’t know what else to do sometimes so we “make our beds,” we “clean” ourselves up with our
OWN soap and water, we hide the
pain, brokenness, shame, guilt, loneliness, depression, and mistakes with some new clothes, makeup, or a clean shave and we head out the door……
barely holding on in the inside but to the rest of the world it appears our beds are made and our lives are in order.
God said, “Even with your brokenness and your mistakes, when you feel overwhelmed at having to draw near to Me over the same issue you have been struggling with, guess what?
I am here. When you run away, I will come looking for you. I would walk the whole length of the beach to find you. And when I find you I would rejoice,
take you in my arms, and remind you that you are loved…….disappointment and anger would not be in My eyes. When you cry, broken, unable to lift your own arms to wrap them around Me, I have you my child……I have loved you with an
unconditional love. I
have died for you.”
The beauty of the picture the Lord continues to show me is found in all the times I have sat on the beach feeling alone or in despair only to turn and find Him standing there saying, come to Me, My daughter, I have been looking for you, waiting for you. Nothing you do, nothing you have done, can overwhelm God to the point that He doesn’t want you, He doesn’t love you, and He wouldn’t come looking for you. He died for you, showing the depth of His love true.
My heart behind this blog is for you to imagine that it is you on that beach…what are you running from, hiding from, broken about, depressed about, or feeling ashamed or lost about? I can promise you if you take a moment to stop looking at your shattered heart of sadness or guilt and look beside you, there you will find Christ with open arms…
This blog is dedicated to Ryan…….Ryan, thank you for being a man after God’s own heart, that you pursue Him each day to learn more about His character. I see your character and heart being shaped more and more each year by Him. You embody so much of Christ’s humility, love, strength, patience, and forgiveness. You continue to demonstrate Christ’s love to me in so many ways, thank you for being a window into the Lord’s love. I know these last 4 months have not been easy on you either and I can’t thank you enough for continuing to love and pursue me even when times are hard. I love you, Em
