As I sat in the Kitchen getting ready for dinner, I asked my friend Adam lots of questions about life. He is struggling to find a meaningful job after college. I asked him how he was doing? If he still was pursuing his dream of being famous? If he still wanted to work in the film industry? If knowing where he would have been at this moment, would he have changed his discussions in college? The discussion got a little heated when others joined in and Adam shut down.
About an hour later, Adam was asked how he was doing and he couldn’t rebound. He was tired of feeling misunderstood and not supported in his dreams. As I watched the conversation, I completely understood where Adam was coming from. I understood why he was frustrated. But, I also understood the other side of the conversation that wished Adam wouldn’t shut down. (Have you ever been in a conversation where you can see yourself on either side or justify both viewpoints? This was one of those moments.)
This is what I thought, “Wow how many times was I Adam at the table. So frustrated that I couldn’t be told to snap out of it or let it go. So frustrated that I was being destructive or hurtful to others.” Man so many times I wish I could have had an out of body experience and watched my reaction and seen the hurt I was causing. Told myself to stop or heard others telling me to stop. But so many times in our frustration or hurting we cannot hear the voice of reason. We cannot hear others. We can only protect ourselves. So many times I have been destructive, to defend myself.
I hope you can picture the situation. It left me feeling remorseful. For someone who doesn’t like being hurt by people, I have hurt people many times. I want to apologize to those I’ve hurt. (Now this is the beauty of God…I am not someone who likes to apologize. In the past I have seen apologizing as bad because then I am admitting that I was wrong. As you read previously, I do not like to be wrong.) So the desire to apologize only comes from God.
So here’s an apology to those who will probably never read my blog. I apologize to Michelle (my best friend in high school). I am sorry that I wasn’t a better friend to you. I am sorry that I didn’t make you feel understood or important. You may never realize how much of an impact you had on my faith. I cherish the many hours of coffee we had discussing God and trying to understand Him. I am sorry that our friendship didn’t last.
I apologize to the people I knew in high school. I am sorry for being so self-centered. I am sorry that I didn’t understand myself enough to be a good friend. I am sorry that I didn’t have enough confidence in myself and left the burden of feeling worthy on your shoulders. I am sorry for never calling the summer after we graduated. I am sorry for blaming you for ending our friendship when I fully realize it’s a two way street.
I apologize to the girls in the Sunroom. I made a terrible mess of leaving. I in all my pride walked out of the house and didn’t care about the wake of destruction I left behind. I am sorry. I’ve learned from that mistake and my pride kept me from admitting that I was wrong. I was wrong and I didn’t care enough about you girls to stay.
I am sorry Jenny for not caring enough about you when I left the sunroom. I apologize to your parents who paid double rent for an entire year just so you could live with me. I thank you; despite all my short comings you have remained my friend throughout college.
I apologize to all my college friends whom I have dropped the ball with. I am sorry that we don’t stay in contact. Many of you I still think about and wonder where you are and how you are doing. Many of you made an impact on me and I go back to words of truth you spoke over me. Ally Jaggard thank you for having breakfast with me at the Cinnabear. It was that day that you didn’t allow me to check out of our friendship but instead challenged me to love others.
I apologize to my Mom. I so many times get frustrated with you just because you are my Mother. I hope that time away makes me realize how much I love and rely on you. I hope that over time I will realized how blessed I am to have a mom like you.
To those whom I never took the time to get to know, I am sorry. I am sorry I judged you on my first impression. I hate to be judged on first impressions and yet I do it all the time to others. I am sorry that I made a snap judgment and deemed you not worth my time. It is so selfish and prideful of me to think I am any better than those who stand around me. I am sorry.
