I came on the race planning on not singing at all. I wanted to play my guitar, and I was ok with singing a little bit with that, but really opening up and full-voicing it? Not in my plan.
I’ve always been a perfectionist (just one of the many things I think I’ll be working out this year) and I think my singing and performing had a lot to do with that. I could always list every mistake I ever made in a performance, I would get so frustrated that I just couldn’t be better. I dismissed everything I did that included one flubbed syllable, a wrong entrance, a sketchy note or a questionable cutoff. I hated talking to people after my performances, even at church, just because I knew i could have done better. I figured it wasn’t good enough and they were either just being nice, or they didn’t know any better.
I knew I needed to stop that way of thinking. I knew God loved it when I sang, even when I messed up, but I just couldn’t figure out how to convince myself of it. So I decided to stop.
Well that lasted until I found myself in a Catholic Church with awesome acoustics – I couldn’t resist! There were only a few people there – we were supposed to be cleaning, but during a break, I sang a bit of an aria. And then we were at Victor’s house and I really wanted to share with him one of my favorite hymns. . . Word got back to the pastor here and on Wednesday, I heard my name called and there I was, standing in the front of the church, singing the first hymn that came to my mind (Amazing Grace).
Yesterday, we had a concert and Vitalie (the pastor) told me the day before that he wanted me to sing You Raise Me Up (I guess Josh has even made it big in Moldova). The only problem was that I didn’t know the song at all. But I learned it, and got up the next day to sing it.
The thing that the Lord’s been teaching me through all this unplanned singing is that he is glorified in everything we do for him, even in our mistakes. If we give everything over to him, even our need to be perfect, he will take care of us. He will not let us fall (well, maybe sometimes, but He’ll be there to pick us back up again). No, I was not perfect in any of my times singing. And yes, there were points when my heart was racing, but it is no longer a performance. It’s not about being “good”. It’s about sharing God’s love.
It’s about His glory. Not mine.
