Tonight I drew a line in the sand.
I knelt before it with arms raised towards the sky- strawberry and orange swirling together like a bowl of melting sherbet. The bright red-orange sun was sinking into the powder blue waves- darkening the purples of the mountains in the distance as it did. The acoustic guitar played behind me and my squad mates' voices blended together with the crashing waves.
I was in awe of creation, of His beauty, and all that He has done this year.
Tonight, everything came full circle. We started this month with a baptism. My beautiful friend and teammate Jenny was baptized in the Adriatic Sea our first day here. She looked stunning and free and it was a celebration I will never forget. And tonight, on our last day of ministry in Lehze, Albania, 18 of us took a trip to the very same beach for another baptism. We stood around Em and told her how proud we were and how grateful we were to have her in our lives.
That girl has taught me so much. She fights for freedom, even when she doesn't want to, and constantly pushes me to do the same. She is goofy and joyful. She is passionate and thoughtful, lovely and selfless. She is absolutely radiant. She is one of my closest friends.
When we finished praying over her, we walked out into sea, everyone singing Freedom and taking pictures, so we would never forget this moment. And all I could think about when I dunked her into the water was how different she is from when we met-how different we all are- how much more free this group of people is now, compared to our first month. And when I pulled her back out, after falling in after her and laughing uncontrollably, I couldn't stop smiling. Chelsey tackled her and I jumped in after them laughing and wondering when this happened- when our walls fell down and our chains fell off.
Kneeling in front of that line I thought about all that has happened, praising my Abba for the walls He tore down when we weren't looking and the cages and chains that were unlocked all along, waiting for us to step out of them. In the last few months, I have gone through every emotion possible about going home- elation, anticipation, and excitement along with sadness, anxiety, and fear.
The last few days especially, it has been all of them all at once. So many questions filled my brain. Are these changes permanent? Will these friendships remain? Can I take what I've learned and who I've become home? Will the Lord take care of me, like He has time and time again? Face towards the sun, I took a deep breath, held it for a moment and released it along with all my fears about going home.
I looked at the line and knew that it was a choice. I could back away and go home to who I was before, thinking that this year was the best thing that would ever happen to me and believing I could never be this person at home. I could give in to my fears and go backwards. I could give up on these people who have my heart.
Or, I could get up, brush the sand off of my knees, and step over the line. I could choose to remember this night, to remember all that the Lord has done and to know that He has eternally altered my heart, allowing me to walk in the newness and freedom that is mine. I could trust Him to take care of me in this transition. I could continue to be more myself than I've ever been. I could choose to thank Him daily for this incredible experience and these lasting, life-changing friendships, while also knowing that this will not be as good as it gets, because God is a god who constantly wants to give us good things and make known more of Himself. I could commit to choosing all of these things every single time fear threatens to steal them away.
So tonight, I drew a line in the sand, considered my choices, got up, and walked over it.
