In the tension between Training Camp and leaving for this crazy adventure tomorrow morning, I have experienced every possible emotion. I am ecstatic to travel the world with my amazing new friends, sharing the truth of the gospel with the nations. I am sad to leave the life that I love and everyone in it. Mostly, I feel like I have been walking the plank, getting ready to throw myself into the crashing waves of an ocean of unknowns.
I don't want you to misinterpret my words and think I regret my decision, because I don't. I am confident that the Lord wants me right where I am and that He has great things planned for this year. However, leaving everything I know and love for 11 months is somehow even harder than I imagined. I would be lying if I said I didn't have fears or doubts. I would be lying if I said that I never feel like I am doing all of this alone. Thankfully, we have a loving Father, who is patient in reminding us that He is always near.
A couple weeks ago at church, I went to the back after communion to worship. When the music faded and the lights slowly came back on, I made my way to the front to get my things. As I squeezed my way past all of the people, lost in my own little world, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see an unfamiliar face and introduced myself, wondering if maybe, she got the wrong person. She didn't. Apparently, during worship, God had told her to tell me something. She apologized if I thought she was crazy, but she had to share. Honestly, God has been doing that a lot lately, so I shouldn't have been surprised.
Still, I stood there all wide-eyed, listening as she told me what God had for me. She said that He had revealed to her that He has been teaching me a lot about providing, but that He wanted me to ask for more. He said that He desired to give me more than I felt I could ask, because He loved me so much. Then, as she prayed for me, she said that even though it feels like this next season of life will be like jumping into an ocean, really I am just stepping onto the palm of His hand.
After a moment of shock, I explained to her how much that meant to me. I've learned more about God as provider in this last year than ever before through fundraising for the race. There has been a constant flow of support coming in and I have never had to fear about the funding for this trip. Now though, with her words, I felt like God had given me permission to ask Him to provide for more than just my financial needs. What I really desired was to feel "ready"-whatever that means.
Now, as I reflect on what I have been asking for, I think of the last sermon I heard at my church this past Wednesday on Acts 21. Luke says about Paul as he is preparing to leave for Jerusalem:
"And coming to us, he (a prophet) took Paul's belt and bound his own feet and hands and said, “Thus says the Holy Spirit, ‘This is how the Jews at Jerusalem will bind the man who owns this belt and deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles.’” When we heard this, we and the people there urged him not to go up to Jerusalem. Then Paul answered, “What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be imprisoned but even to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.” And since he would not be persuaded, we ceased and said, “Let the will of the Lord be done.”"
At first, when I heard this, I was not surprised. Of course Paul was ready-he's Paul. As I continued to listen though, I realized that Paul was not ready because he was prepared. He was ready, because he had faith that God is always ready. His faith in God was so great that he was willing even to die for Him.
I now know that faith is the "more" I should be asking for as I leave on my own missionary journey. I can lay down my desire to feel ready, based on my own strength, and ask for an abundance of faith to simply trust in Him. I'm not walking the plank and jumping out into the ocean alone, hoping I can swim. I'm simply walking off the boat of my comfortable life, directly into the palm of His hand. He is ready, so I am too.
