Somehow, in March, when I switched to a September route, I thought I had so much time. My countdown for the past year had been to July, so adding two more months seemed like an eternity…and that is what the first few months felt like.
Now, with only 12 days between me and Launch, it seems as if these last 4 summer months have gone by more quickly than any other time in my entire life. God knew exactly what He was doing when He told me to wait. I've been able to spend more time with the people I love, work with an amazing family to earn money for the Race, learn so much about God's character, and continue to grow in Him.
I could write for days about all of the things I have learned this summer, but that would make for an extremely long blog. Instead, I am going to share just one thing that I learned back in May that is still affecting me. Hopefully, more stories from this summer will be posted soon.
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I remember sitting there all curled up on her chair feeling totally defeated. Somehow, I was in this place…again and I knew somehow, it was all my fault. With a tear rolling down my cheek, I told her that I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with me. If I had Jesus, why was I not joyful? Why couldn't I seem to concentrate on the Word or serve other people with energy and radiance? Why did all the cliche Christian advice seem so incredible useless?
Then, I looked up and with tears in her eyes, she shared something that I'm sure I've been told before, but never really believed. She told me that depression is not a sin or a consequence of sin, but a mental illness. It is not something I did wrong or right. It won't necessarily go away by opening my Bible, volunteering, or by being "good". In fact, it is pretty naive for people to constantly tell me those things. With those words, she released me from the guilt and false belief that I could just snap out of it by doing something religious. She told me that this was simply a place that God, with all His tender love and mercy desired to meet me.
She told me about Elijah.
In 1 Kings 19, Elijah found out that Jezebel sought to take his life, because he had exposed Baal as a false god. God had just used him in an incredible way, leaving no doubt in anyone's mind of His power, but Elijah was terrified. He ran away into the wilderness and became so depressed and consumed with worry and hopelessness that he asked the Lord to take his life. God came to Elijah and asked why he ran away, but instead of pointing out sin or telling him to do something to fix himself up and move on, He let him rest and sent him an angel to feed him. The Lord knew his burden was great and comforted and strengthened him in it.
Then, He told Elijah to go to the mount of God so that He could reveal Himself to him. As Elijah stood on that mountain, a great wind, an earthquake, and a fire all passed by, but the presence of God was absent. After those things had passed, the Spirit of the Lord came in a still small voice. In all gentleness and compassion, God met him where he was and poured out His love. Elijah knew that God was mighty and powerful, but God desired to show his precious child, that He was also loving and gentle.
Finally, God asked one more time why he was in the wilderness and Elijah told him how lonely he was, because he was the only follower left. Again, God did not lecture him or tell him what to do, but encouraged him that there were 7000 more faithful in the city and even gave him Elisha to teach and train to someday take his place.
God met Elijah in his darkest hour. He fed him. He gave him rest. He spoke to his heart. He strengthened him. He answered his prayers. He restored his soul.
As I have been preparing to leave on this journey, I have thought about the possibility of entering into a season of depression at some point on the Race. Although I am in a healthy place now, just the thought of being like Elijah in the wilderness terrifies me. Even though I have seen God do miraculous things, have heard Him speak His love over me, have been promised healing in anxiety, and know He is powerful beyond comprehension and more tenderhearted than I can imagine, I still have to constantly remind myself of that day back in May when the story of Elijah spoke to my heart.
From now on, when begin to worry, I will remind myself of what is true. The truth is, if depression does come:
God will meet me in the wilderness and speak quietly to my soul.
He will not look on me with disappointment, but with compassion.
He will not accuse me, but will pour love over me.
He will bring me rest.
He will be my comfort and security.
He will strengthen and restore me.
He will use it for good.
The Holy Spirit will fill me with peace and joy.
I have nothing to fear, for my God will never leave me, nor forsake me.
Please join with me in prayer for emotional and spiritual protection and health for myself, my team, and my squad. I want to be fully focused on ministry and what the Lord has for me in this season and your prayers for healing and protection would be appreciated. Prayer is more powerful than we know.
