Driving down to Branson with the music blaring and windows down, I felt my heart stirring for adventure. I felt like God wanted to do something, but I had no idea what that would look like.
Over a month and a half has passed since the Lord set me free from the lies and confusion that plagued my mind and spirit, but honestly, that freedom has looked much different than I had thought it would. I expected to stop struggling so much. I expected the lies to drop dead. I definitely did not expect them to put up this hard of a fight…
I was wrong.
In fact, the lies continued to try to work their way into my thoughts every moment of every day. The difference has been that I recognize them for what they are. In most moments, on most days, I tell those thoughts to go straight to hell where they belong. I repeat truth to myself over and over, surrender my familiar forms of comfort, ask friends to pray for me, and yes, occasionally even cuss Satan out.
I will be honest and say that there have also been a few days that I lingered in my old thoughts longer than I should have, resulting in me choosing to trust in my own power for my comfort and security. The coolest part about this freedom though, is that I can repent and come back to a God with His arms wide open, waiting to awe me with his love all over again.
I knew that is what He wanted to do with this weekend. He wanted to love me.
On Friday, Marie and I decided to go on an adventure. On Sunday, she had an incredible hike in Jasper, Arkansas (readaboutithere), so she decided to take me there. Let me tell you though, even after reading her blog, I had no idea what to expect.
The hike started off easy and I eagerly followed Marie on a trail to the unknown. I remembered from the blog that we would at some point have to cross a river. My heart pounded with excitement and I was ready. The sun shining through the trees onto the windy path took my breath away and I had peace.
By the time we got to the first river, though, I had it in my head that I couldn’t do it. The river was wide and looked deep, but I stepped in and began to cross. The current tried to take me a few times, but we made it. Unfortunately, that eased zero of my fears, because I quickly found out that there were three more rivers.
As I crossed each one, I was certain I would slip, drop my backpack and get swept downstream. Marie kept encouraging though and reminding me to make every step sure and to take my time.
All of a sudden, I started thinking that crossing the river was a lot like the freedom I have found. As long as I trust God and make sure that every step is sure and the every decision glorifies Him, I will get across the river, but if I lose focus, the river will take me under. With each step, it became a little easier and took slightly less determination and fight. I pushed the analogy aside though, thinking I made it up, and moved on.
After we totally rocked all four mighty rivers, climbed a cliff, and walked away from our campsite to deter any lingering bears, we were famished. So, naturally, being the wilderness girls that we are we pulled out our delicious Chipotle we had packed. First though, I had to do one more thing.
I stood on the edge of the cliff and gave Marie my camera. Usually, I count to three about a jillion times, but this time I just went for it. Before I knew it I was in the air and it was absolutely exhilarating. I have not felt so free or so incredibly alive for a very long time.
Later, as we were sitting by our fire (yes we made it ourselves and yes, we know it looks impressively toasty), Marie asked me why I thought God brought me up there. I honestly did not know how to respond. I thought God had been speaking to me in the river and on the cliffs, but I let doubts reign and claimed ignorance.
I thought about it all through the night full of the most frigid, restless series of small naps I have ever had. I thought about it on the drive home and all throughout the next day. I asked her to tell me, but as many times as I asked, she kept refusing to tell me the reason God gave her, because she said I could hear God for myself. I seriously doubted that.
Finally, I pushed doubts away and told her what truths He shared with me up on the cliff right before I jumped.
He wanted to show me that He sees me for more than my struggles and that by making our relationship so works based, I never allow Him to love me and have fun with me. He wants to show me adventure and make my heart light. He wants joy for me, because He delights in me and loves spending time with me.
Eventually, she told me that God had told her the same thing, but had also given her a word picture. She started talking about how at the beginning of the hike I didn’t know what to expect and was afraid. She talked about how every step in the river was a struggle and I doubted my strength, but with every step I grew more confident. She smiled as she reminded me that, despite the fact that I said I would be lost without her, I led the whole way back to the car. I did so many things I didn't think I could. God brought me there to show me adventure and to show me strength.
What. The. Heck.
God gave her the same picture He had given me! He really did speak to me! I don’t make these things up in my head- He speaks!
I am stronger than I believe, and every moment that I choose to walk in freedom will become less of a struggle. I will grow more confident in the Lord and more sure that I can endure temptation and trial.
Doubt plagued me this weekend and kept me from sharing what I knew God had shared with me, because I did not want to be wrong. The truth is, God is alive and He speaks; all we have to do is ask, listen, and believe.
I stand in awe at a God who would care about me so deeply that He would want to speak with me, encourage me, adventure with me, love me, and ensure me that walking in this new freedom is not only possible, but so worth it.
