Growing up, I was a dreamer. I loved letting my imagination take me into another world. I knew I could do anything I wanted if I could simply dream it. I lived the most magical stories.
When I got a little bit older, my imagination faded, but my passion for life, love, and a great story never did. I found a love for reading and began spending my days lost in books with people who lived truly brilliant stories, hoping that one day my own story would also be worth telling.
I have spent my life waiting for the climax. In seasons of darkness, I waited, trying to remain hopeful for a moment when everything would change. When I pictured this moment, I expected everything that the best stories would have. I expected blood to be pumping in my veins so hard that I could feel my heartbeat down to my toes with excitement. I expected to feel every breath, reminding me that I am truly alive. I expected fireworks and to feel like I could do or be anything again. Needless to say, I tend to put a lot of weight into feelings.
I realize now, that I expected the moment when I heard the Lord whisper in my ear, “it is finished” eight months ago to be the climax. I expected it to change everything. After all, I have never before or since physically experienced the Holy Spirit like that before. I have never felt so incredibly high and unstoppable. I thought everything would change, because of how I felt. I even decided to be a missionary, thinking surely that would make this change a sure thing. Eventually though, everything went back to exactly how it was. It may have taken eight months for the debris to settle back into my heart, but eventually the depression, the anxiety, and my sinful heart looked exactly the same as it had before I was baptized. I had a heart, desperate for change, but more desperate to hold on to the last bits of my heart I had never quite let go of. I wanted to go tell the world about the freedom in Christ, but wasn't living in it myself.
Two weeks later, I can say that my heart, and my life, look a whole lot different. The moment did not come with fireworks, or with a vision, or with a feeling. The moment came in the parking lot of a McDonalds on a dreary Wednesday afternoon under those golden arches. It came through the voices of two sweet friends through the speaker phone and a frantic cry to Jesus to take all of me. My life-altering moment was unexpectantly unremarkable. I didn’t feel much different in the moments afterwards, but I knew everything changed.
I let go of my plans. I let go of my pride and my shame. I let go of self-centered prayers pleading for God to heal me of depression and anxiety and I held on to Jesus. I demanded the spirits of fear, confussion, and lies to leave in the name of Jesus. I repented and I made the choice to follow Him with every last piece of my heart. I let Him change my heart and my plans. I let Him write my story.
Part of allowing Him to write my story, was letting go of leaving in July. I need to live for Him here before I live for Him overseas. I need to allow myself to slow down and enjoy Him more, without being so consumed with graduating in time, or fundraising, or getting everything done perfectly in time. I need to pour His love into the people around me. I need to live in His sweet freedom and rest in his grace while He heals my heart and teaches me what true love and intimacy with Him is. I need to claim the promise He gave me eight months ago. "It is finished." Not the pain, or the temptations, or the trials on this earth, but eternally-, everything was finished on the cross. It is time to claim the life He has spoken over me that I am redeemed, deeply known, deeply loved, and miraculously and beautifully free to be whole-heartedly His.
I will now be leaving two months later than planned and somehow, as much as I will miss ou(R) squad I have complete peace about this decision. Psalm 34:4-5 says this:
“I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed.”
As this verse was read Sunday, I nearly burst with joy. I have not been miraculously happy all of the time in the last two weeks, but I have had a joy that surpasses my understanding. In trial, temptation, anxiety, and a whole lot of change and loss I have had peace and joy that I have never had. I have walked in freedom. I have sought him daily and he has answered me. My heart has been radiant as I look to Him.
Something tells me, though, that that moment I had crying my eyes out in my car, calling out to Jesus was not the climax, but the beginning, of a truly great story. I am so incredibly excited to leave in September, but I will not wait for the race to live abundantly. I want to spend the rest of my life letting the Holy Spirit lovingly guide me through every chapter and every word of my story, whether it be here or across the globe. I will live a story worth telling.
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Sorry it has been so long since I have blogged. I will try my best to update all of my supporters more often on what God has been up to, which if you couldn't tell- has been a lot!
In other news, I am 52% funded! Praise the Lord!!!!
