God has completely wrecked my heart for his people.
It has been torn apart in a million pieces, rearranged, and lovingly glued back together through missions to both Cherokee, North Carolina and Lima, Peru.
The poverty saddens me. The stories of abuse enfuriate me. The gangs make me afraid for them. The lostness makes me ache for them.
But… the sweet smiles of the children delight me. The hugs bring me joy. The people hold my heart. The knowledge that my Father calls them all Hephzibah (my delight is in her) comforts me.
All of this-the good and the bad- have changed me from the inside out. I too have been lonely, lost, broken, and hurt, but Jesus has taken ahold of my heart and people have poured into me and lovingly pushed me towards Christ and His amazing grace. I have been healed and filled and now I want to pour out. I desire to share God's awesome power and love with the world and tell them that He can heal them too! My God is big enough for the deepest hurt and light enough for the darkest night.
And so it began.
I thought that this passion I had for the hurting would lead me to a career in counseling-and it still might, but I have found that when we make plans, they rarely happen. God almost always has something different- something better- in mind. During a Spring Break trip to Panama City, He began to show me what that was.
We spent the week sharing Jesus with Spring Breakers on the beaches. Honestly, I could not have been more nervous. I expected people to laugh in our faces and turn us away. The opposite happened. With over 1,000 college students from around the country sharing with people that week, a couple hundred people were saved. I did not personally lead anyone to Christ, but I had some awesome conversations with people with incredible stories. They were open and honest with us complete strangers, surprised that someone would listen and care about what they had to say.
That was one of the most joyful weeks I have ever experienced. My heart stirred with the possibility of spending my life doing nothing but sharing the hope of Christ with people who were desperately searching for truth.
The missions search began. It started with wanting to take a semester off between graduating from Maryville University and grad school. I researched tons of places where I could serve God, but the orginization that popped up more than any other was AIM. At first, I thought it was crazy. 11 months!?! Honestly I still think it is crazy, but hundreds of blogs later I decided it was more than a hobby. This was an obsession and a passion I couldn't ignore.
I started to pray about the World Race and from then on, I feel like everything I did pointed to me leaving.
In the begining of the summer, I decided to move out of my apartment come January that I absolutely love, because something was telling me I shouldn't commit to another year there. I told my roommates and agreed to move in with my best friend, who just bought a house. The best part-no contract, so I am free to go in July!
Then there was every song that came on the radio that talked about going and serving.
And in every quiet time, God led me to verses that told me to care for the "least of these."
"“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’…
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’" (Matthew 25:34-40)
So, after all of this, and many, many conversations with God, I decided to apply for the July 2 route. It was a long shot. I never imagined I would get in. In fact, I prayed I wouldn't. I became consumed with anxiety. Could the Lord really use somebody like me for something like this? Could I leave everyone I love for a whole year? Could I handle it with my anxiety? Couldn't I serve his people here? How could I raise all of that money?
I told God not to allow them to accept me unless it was 100% in His will.
Well, here I am. I applied. I waited. I interviewed. I waited. I told my discipler. I told my friends. I told my family. There was joy and excitement. There were tears and confusion and fear.
And, after everything, how could I not go? The Lord will provide. He will comfort. He will use even me to shine His glorious light. He will teach me and mold me. He will remind me that I am only His. He will lead the way.
And I? I will worship. I will praise. I will fall. I will lean on my Savior. I will call out to my Father. And through it all- I will follow. I will GO! Recklessly abandoned.
