It’s month 10, PVT was incredible and beautiful and now it’s over, and I think it is finally dawning on me that there are only 53 days left on the World Race… Yikes.
I feel a growing sense of wrestling anxiety in my heart and the hearts of my team and squad mates because of this. We are starting to murmur about the people we wanted to be by the end of this, and whether or not we are actually going to be them when we hit American soil. We are starting to talk about our futures and jobs and home lives. We didn’t sign up to be gone forever; our impending finish line is looming just ahead, and I think the reality of that is starting to hit in full force.
Whenever someone asks about the future, I want to scream “WELL I HAD A PLAN! You know, I thought I had it figured out! But then it was suddenly changed, without my permission and I was left without any control… that doesn’t seem fair, does it??”
5 months ago, the course of my life was completely and drastically changed. In that, my plan was completely and totally wrecked.
I have a tendency to internally (or sometimes externally) roll my eyes and grumble about how I feel like I’m back at square one when I feel like I should be at square 10. When I listen to sermons about God bringing us into the wilderness or the waiting of resurrection Saturday, I find myself muttering under my breath that that seems like my life story.
More than anything, my World Race has been a messy, exhausting, and unrelenting battle. Between my flesh and my spirit. Between my thoughts and His thoughts. Between my ways and His ways. A battle of self-control, self-discipline, refinement, and sanctification. A battle against bitterness. self-righteousness, pride, and insecurity, and somehow all at once.
It’s been a race of of battling lies, lies which come from looking at my circumstances through the eyes of my flesh.
I wake up and fight the lie that I am easily forgotten. I wake up and fight the lie that I am easily discarded. And I wake up and fight the lie that I am easily replaced. Yes, most days I feel easily forgotten, easily discarded, and easily replaced.
Some mornings I don’t have to battle these lies, but most mornings I do. Some days I sense victory, and some days I don’t.
And to be honest, most of the time, I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. And some of the time, I’d rather not fight at all.
Jesus has gently held me and journeyed with me.
But as I think and prepare for this next season, as I roll my eyes and grumble under my breath about my new life with almost no attachments, I feel his gentle whispers growing louder and louder.
And slowly, over time, they are starting to sound a lot less like gentle whispers and a lot more like roaring shouts.
“EMILY, CAN’T YOU SEE??
I FOUGHT FOR YOU TO BE HERE.
I DID THIS FOR YOU.
I CHOSE YOU.
I RESCUED YOU.
I SWIFTLY MOVED MY HAND AND INTERVENED FOR YOU.
I SET YOU FREE AND I SET YOU APART.
I DID THIS FOR YOU SO YOU COULD HAVE THE DEEP DESIRES OF YOUR HEART.
I KNOW YOU AND YOUR DESIRES BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF, AND DEEP DOWN, I KNOW THIS IS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.
You prayed that I would incline to you and hear your cry. I DID.
You prayed that I would draw you up from the pit of destruction and out of the miry bog. I DID.
You prayed that I would deliver you, that I would make haste to help you. I DID.
You prayed that I would take thought for you, that I would be your help and your deliverer. I WAS.
You prayed that I would not delay. I DIDN’T.
You prayed for my will to be done. IT WAS.
You think you are easily forgotten?
WELL I TOOK THOUGHT FOR YOU. You are always on my mind. You are the apple of my eye.
You think you are easily discarded?
WELL I COULDN’T LEAVE YOU BEHIND. You are my priceless treasure. Not even death can throw you away.
You think you are easily replaced?
WELL THE CALLING AND PURPOSE I HAVE ON YOR LIFE IS FAR TOO GREAT; I SPECIFICALLY WANT YOU AND ONLY YOU. You are my beloved daughter. You are my chosen one.
So as you roll your eyes and grumble under your breath about your newfound freedom, your ability to dream bigger and deeper with no attachments, know that I fought for you and I fought for this.
CAN’T YOU SEE?? CAN’T YOU SEE MY HEART FOR YOU? CAN’T YOU SEE MY RELENTLESS PURSUIT AND UNFAILING LOVE FOR YOU, AND FOR ALL OF YOU?
You think that you have it hard in the battle? I give it to you, this is not easy, but I think sometimes you forget that I HAVE ALREADY WON.
So every time you are tempted to feel forgotten, to feel discarded, to feel replaced, to feel like you’re not enough or to feel like you’re too much, REMEMBER THAT I SENT MY SON TO DIE FOR YOU. That I paid the ultimate price for your heart. That I rose again so you could live in victory with me forever. And that I am not willing to let you, my beloved daughter who I paid the highest price for, settle for less than everything I have created you for. And I am willing to fight you, yes even you, for your ultimate good and my ultimate glory.
You are always on my mind. You are the apple of my eye. You are my priceless treasure. Not even death can throw you away. You are my beloved daughter. You are my chosen one. The battle is already won, but I will not give up my relentless pursuit of your heart. EMILY, CAN’T YOU SEE??”
I think these gentle whispers have become roaring shouts as my precious Savior and Redeemer becomes more desperate. I think He becomes more desperate for me to grasp just a fraction of His relentless pursuit and unfailing love for me. And I think He becomes more desperate for me to enjoy and celebrate the new life that He is calling me to- the life that I now only have access to because of the way He has continually fought for me.
And I just have a hunch, but as you read this blog, I think He may be gently whispering or roaring shouts to you too, as He relentlessly pursues your heart. Can’t you see?
xoxo,
Emily
