Recently,
The Lord has been showing me examples of what it means to really “press in” and go “deeper”, not only with HIM but also with most things in my life.
I’m learning that there’s a difference between walking with the Lord daily, and walking Deeply with the Lord daily.
It’s actually pretty ironic that the Lord has decided to ask me to go deeper with Him at this point in my life, mainly since I haven’t been reaching out to people as much lately because I felt they were all too “surface level minded”.
” And then the Pot called the kettle BLACK.”
But it wasn’t until one day last week, the day I heard a song that would begin a “breaking down process in my soul” that I realized just how deep He actually wants to take me.
The song was Oceans by Hillsong United, and God used it to begin a long download in my heart and mind that I’m still processing and digging into.
I literally wept the entire length of the song as Jesus spoke words that both terrified me and yet gave me peace all at once, it was way too much for me to share with anyone else.
I couldn’t even journal or think straight, so instead I just went for a long walk.
* Fast Forward * to two days ago …Tuesday, October 7th.
All day during work I knew that it was the day to really sit down and process what Jesus was trying to pour into me, I tried to pretend that I was busy and had too much to do but by the time I got home from work at 5:30pm I knew there was no more ignoring it.
I went out to the porch swing that’s actually not on a porch but instead sitting in our back yard, I even brought my journal and pen because I knew it would be more than what I could retain in my head.
As soon as I sat down I began to write in complaint what I was feeling at that moment hoping it would distract the Lord, but then God gently hushed me and then proceeded to unfold all that I hadn’t been able to process on the initial day He gave me the download.
I wrote and wrote, having no idea what time it was or how long I’d been at it, and not really caring either. It was like God was literally pouring the words into my head and they came flowing out the tip of my pen.
This is what I initially wrote to the Lord about how I was feeling…
* porch swing * 10/7/13
Jesus,
I’m so heavy with emotions right now.
I feel so overwhelmed with everything in my life right now too. So much so that all I want to do is shut everything and everyone out, and just find some cabin in the woods to hole myself up in indefinitely.
I don’t want to hear anyone else’s problems, see anyone else’s needs, or feel anyone else’s pain and burdens. I am feeling very selfish right now Lord.
I feel like there is so much that your trying to teach and show me and have me press into, but I can’t seem to focus in.
It’s that damn devil, I’m sure!
I feel like I have too many feelings!
Papa I need you most right now. I need your peace, your guidance, your embrace. Papa your showing me so many things right now, that I’m left drowning in the wake of it all.
I feel like Peter who you called to step out of the boat (my safety zone) and come be with you out on the water (a place unknown and to all appearances unsafe), and just like Peter I jump out all eager only to suddenly realize ” Oh boy it’s scary out here, and I have no idea what I’m doing or what step to take next.”
I start to panic and begin to flail my arms trying to find something to hold onto… anything at all. My panic turns to anger and I think ” Why am I out here struggling to stay alive?” “No one else is out here, they’re back over there in the boat safe and dry.”
I am mad at myself, at my situation, at the people still back in the boat where I’d like to be.
I have completely forgotten that you are there with me God.
But unlike Peter I don’t call out for your help quickly. Instead I keep trying to tread water and come up with a way to get out of this situation myself… cause I’m a grown-up and don’t need any help. It’s not until I get that *sinking feeling*, that’s when I cry out for You!
And you always pull me out of the depths again.
After I wrote this the Lord told me ” I will always be there to pull you up again when you are drowning in the things of this world.”
I sat and soaked all of this in for some time, a little while later my pen began again.
God,
I think that You want me to go deeper, but in You and not this world. Papa I started to realize and understand this more clearly when you spoke to me while I was listening to Oceans for the first time last week.
I started weeping when it got to the part that says;
“ Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.”
That phrase absolutely terrifies me papa! My mind starts to panic when my brain begins to realize the implications of that statement.
” Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander” , my brain automatically associates this with water.
” Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.”
So where my toes can’t touch the ground anymore … where I have no control …
Holy Crap!
It was also in this moment that the Lord decided to remind me that my absolute worst fear is drowning …
and I know perfectly well how to swim.
I started to ask myself ” Why am I afraid of drowning if I know how to swim?”
Then You gently whispered in my ear “because Emily, your more afraid of the moment when you realize your helpless … that moment when you know that you have no control.”
That was it.
My worst fear = having absolutely no control.
” Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.”
* Part 2 coming shortly *
