So, for those who really know me know that one of my many passions is baking, I love it. I love the messiness, the focus, and the creativity of using the gifts God has given me to design something delicious for someone to enjoy. Seeing people enjoy something that I worked so hard to create brings me so much happiness. Whether it be birthdays or weddings, the reality of it is the saddest part is when the cake is over. Just how in life there are moments when it’s time to celebrate and “eat cake”, there are also days or weeks that heartbreak is all that’s seen. I experienced one of these moments just this last month.
My heart fell into my stomach when I received the text that my precious dog, Annie, of 13 years passed away. It was 3’oclock in the morning so I tried to force myself to go back to sleep because I thought it was just a nightmare. I woke up a couple of hours later, still recovering from the stomach bug, thinking, “Was that a nightmare?” Reality set in, yes it was indeed true. I walked outside to get some fresh air and call home. Sickness, frustration, and complete brokenness was all I felt. I wanted to be nowhere near Cambodia, my team, or my squad. I wanted to be home, grieving with my family. The thoughts of being away from home and having to grieve alone were hurting me so badly. I knew my team was there for me, but expressing how I was truly feeling was hard for me.
Over the next few days, I spent a lot of time grieving. I grieved the loss of my best friend that has been a part of my family since I was 13. I grieved the thought of not having her there running to me when I get home in 5 months. I even grieved the frustration towards God because I didn’t understand why.
Grief didn’t stop there. Being away for Christmas was hard. A few days later I got some devastating news that our host in Lesotho along with some friends from the church were involved in an accident on the way to a conference. Two of our friends, Lebo and Mitchie, passed away.
Our time was short, but deep friendships were created with these beautiful people. We laughed, worshiped, and talked about God and our lives together. I led worship with Lebo and Mitchie at the church we attended, Maseru United. Hearing this news was just another layer on the grief cake that I didn’t want anything to do with.
God wasn’t finished with this cake just yet. As you all know being on the race has it’s many challenges. One of them is missing out on things that happen at home. I knew going into the race that January 7th would eventually come, but the reality hit me like a “cake in the face”. It was the day my two closest friends back home were marrying the loves of their lives and I wasn’t there to witness it. My heart couldn’t take anymore. I woke up that morning with a choice to make: Was I going to allow the enemy to steal my joy or was I going to surrender my heavy grief-filled heart and pick up His joy and peace? I chose to surrender.
Pain is real. I would be lying if I said there weren’t days where I break down because of the aches in my heart, but it’s all part of the healing process. In the midst of grief and suffering, God seeks to come closer to me. The question- was I going to allow Him to take ahold of the pain? When we’re face to face with the reality of pain and death, its truly heartbreaking, but God is our comfort. When we suffer for His name sake, it’s not only for His glory, but ultimately for our good! Even at times when I can’t comprehend or understand there is so much purpose in the plans He has for me.
So here’s to five more months of the World Race, taking in all sights, loving all people and eating all the grief cake the Lord has prepared for me!
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John? ?16:33?
