To be completely honest, I do not feel like blogging right now.
I do not feel like going back and reflecting on my past month in Swaziland when I am trying to dive into this month's ministry and put my whole heart into being here now.
I do not feel like thinking about all the stories that wrecked my spirits and burdened my heart in ways in which there are absolutely NO words for.
I do not feel like thinking about the helpless little souls who would wear the same worn down raggedy clothes each passing day to the after school program/ care point we volunteered at.
I do not feel like thinking about the hunger that these children endure on a daily basis and how the stale and tasteless corn meal is some of these babies only meal all day long.
I just do not feel like thinking about these past few months on the race in general. I have become so numb to the reality of it all. I have become so numb to my surroundings and sometimes it’s just easier to pretend everything is okay. It is okay to pass and ignore the man on the side of the road wearing nothing but rags, smelling of rotten sewage, wasting away as he uses every muscle in his body to wave the soggy paper cup in your face in hopes to bum some spare change for his next meal. It is okay to see these children wearing the same filthy clothes each and every day. It is okay to ignore the massive amounts of cats and dogs whose bones are protruding from their frail bodies and carry on with your everyday life as if this is normal and okay. But is it really okay? Are these people really okay?
“It’s okay because this is all they know”,” it’s okay because they don’t know any better”, “it’s okay because this is normal”…these are some of the words that I like to tell myself so that I can have some peace of mind. It’s easier to just shut it all off and go numb. Maybe that's why I have not felt like writing. Maybe that's why I don't feel like sitting down to face the reality of this hurt and the ongoing suffering. Because it would take everything in me to go back to those uncomfortable moments and re-live some of those indescribable feelings to try and comprehend it all. It would completely wreck me.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is that as I pack up my bags, head to the next country, and dive right into the next heart wrenching ministry, the children that I left are more than likely still wearing the same clothes I last saw them in, they are still eating the same gritty, nutrition less mush day after day, and they are still in need of so much love.
All at once there are thousands of emotions running through my mind and at the same time I have nothing. no feelings.no emotions. Nothing at all.
I am numb to the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the lack of hope, the jealousy, the anger, the abuse, the heartache, and the overall darkness of this reality.
To have compassion for someone literally means to suffer with. I have been choosing to go numb to my surroundings and emotions and act like everything is okay, therefore I have not had compassion. Please do not get me wrong when I say this, because I have shed many tears for these children. I have spent hours journaling about all of these experiences and what I have learned from them. I just don’t think I wanted to sit down to form thoughts in a way that made sense. I decided to look beyond the pain because it hurt my soul way too much. Whether I was guarding my heart by ignoring the reality or just not choosing to be compassionate, I’m not sure.
But what I do know is that I can’t escape these feelings and I cannot keep ignoring them. I have come to the conclusion that it's sometimes hard to understand or even have feelings when you are submerged in such brokenness. After a while, you just become so used to it that is doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Sometimes becoming numb to a situation is the easy way out. It’s an escape. It’s one of the many ways to cope with pain. It’s avoiding the truth and choosing not to live life. It’s choosing not to grow.
Do I really want to go throughout my life ignoring the reality, the truth, and the thought that life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies? Do I want to keep running from the fact that this life is full of hurt, sin, and brokenness? Or do I want to face the pain, endure the sadness, and stand up and do something about it?
I know I can’t change the world. But I can help by spreading awareness, sharing my experiences, and writing about what I have learned in hopes that I can enlighten at least ONE person. I can share the wisdom that God has given me and give some insight to someone who does not have the chance to see or experience any of this first hand.
There are just not enough words to describe all the images, stories, and personal revelations that God has opened my eyes to this year. Part of that overwhelms me because I feel like I have so much to share and teach people, but where do I start? How can I put it ALL into words?
I apologize for avoiding sharing my experiences because I couldn’t stand up and face the reality of the pain. I apologize for becoming numb to this experience and keeping what I have been learning to myself. But please understand my heart and realize that I do care, I do want to share, I do want you to be on this journey with me. I just sometimes don’t know where to start or what to say.
Maybe someday I will write a book about my adventures.
Maybe I won’t.
Maybe someday I’ll wake up and realize that it is okay to be broken.
Maybe I won’t.
Maybe someday I will be able to wrap my head around all the things God has taught me this year.
maybe I won’t.
Maybe I’ll stop being numb to the reality of this world.
Maybe I won’t.
But instead of thinking about what I may or may not do, or what may or may not happen, and instead of avoiding the hard things, I am starting now by choosing to step outside of the false comfort I have built, grab ahold of the painful feelings, and share my thoughts that are oh so scattered.
God teaches me something new every day and He opens my eyes to the things unseen, or maybe it’s just the things I have been choosing not to see. The things I have kept myself numb to…
The more and more I keep putting off thinking about these heartbreaking situations, the more I am missing out on what God truly wants to teach me through it all. Because if he is teaching me something new every day and I decide to avoid it just because it is painful, I will continue to miss out on all that God has in store for me. If I continue to live this way, ignoring my true feelings and emotions and avoid reflecting on the last lesson God was trying to teach me, ultimately I am missing out on an opportunity to share God’s love and spread his light to others.
What is it that you are avoiding feeling or thinking about because it brings about too much pain? What is it that you are numb to? What is it that is holding you back from the realities of life?
This world is a broken place but we don’t have to become numb to it. You will never grow or learn by staying comfortable. So wake up. Stop ignoring your feelings. Cry if you have to. And start living your life, even if it hurts.
I pray that the Lord opens your eyes to the things unseen, and that he opens your heart to the feelings you have been avoiding. I pray that he will give you peace as you recognize the pain in your heart, in your life, in our society, and in this world. I pray that God will give you strength to press into the hard things you’ve experienced or seen. I pray that you realize His presence in your life and understand in your heart that he is with you every step of the way. We serve a powerful and miraculous God. Praise him in all that you do. It’s in his son’s name that we are able to pray and have a personal relationship with him, and a life of hope, love, and freedom. Amen.
P.S- just to clarify, I am NOT slacking on my videos. It is just that my computer has seen its better days and decided to stop working these past few months. But thank God for community and for all my sweet friends who share freely.
Hopefully more blogs, pictures, and videos to come BUT I am not making any promises.
Much LOVE from Thailand.
