As my final weeks of college are coming to a close, I have been thinking a lot about my past and the paths that have lead me to where I am today.
As I was reflecting back on the different seasons of my life, I realized how unhappy I was throughout many of those times. I was never truly happy with myself or the path that I was headed down. I struggled with many insecurities growing up and feelings of anxiety, depression, worry, anger, and I just felt worthless.
Instead of dealing with those feelings and making sense of why I felt the way I did, I ran away from my problems and turned towards partying and drinking, which was only a temporary happiness. As a result, I was headed down a path of destruction that would only worsen those feelings and leave me empty on the inside.
At training camp in October, they talked a lot about grieving and dealing with past wounds…
“We must grieve the painful losses of the past seasons of our life before we can effectively embrace the present and the future.”
What if we don’t grieve?
-We deaden our hearts
Something else I realized…
-I am never going to heal my heart by going on a mission trip…
-I am going to heal my heart by dealing and grieving with my past losses and hurts.
As much as I do not want to go back and reflect upon those chapters in my life where I was in so much pain, I realized I have to in order to lead the life I was called to live and to be able to help others.
When I started reflecting on my past, it started to become painful and it was almost easier to just forget about it and move on. But just as they talked about at training camp, “when you reflect on your past and it starts to get uncomfortable or painful, that is a sign there is an infection.” When you get an infection you cannot ignore it, or it will worsen. As much as it hurts, you must tend to the wound and give it as much attention until it is healed.
Trying to heal my wounds and leave my past in the past is not an easy process. As humans, we naturally avoid grieving because we do not like to feel the pain. But this is the most important and healthy way to deal with hurt and to be able to leave the past in the past.
Sometimes I think about the paths I could have taken, and where I would be today if I would have chosen the “better path.” But that is impossible and I have realized that God took me down those paths to teach me a lesson that would help me to help others later on in my life.
“Your journey has molded you for the greater good. And it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think that you’ve lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.”
I have believed such a false statement growing up and always thought I had to “be good” in order to have a relationship with Jesus. So when I messed up or felt like I was on the wrong path, I believed that God was mad at me and I was on bad terms with him, when actually, that was when he was there for me the most.
Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” – Mark 2:17
It is important to deal with your wounds and understand that God has you exactly where He wants you. You do not have to be this "perfect person" for God to accept you..He accepts you just as you are!
"I loved you at your darkest." -Romans 5:8
I have done a LOT of thinking and talking with friends recently about what I want to get out of the World Race. I’ve always said that I want to change and I think that the world race is the perfect opportunity to change and grow in my relationship with Christ while helping others.
When I was talking with my roommate about this, she asked me a simple yet complicated question…
”what do you want to change about yourself?”
I was stumped. What did I want to change about myself?
That is when I realized I have nothing to change about myself. God made me just the way I am, in His image. He has taken me down certain paths to mold me into the person he wants me to become.
I guess now I realize I do not want to change who I am…
I want to become the person that God created me to be.
Once I start living the life my Father in heaven has called me for, I will become who I am supposed to be and I will not have to change anything!
I am where I am today because of God. The rough paths, the amazing paths, the not so good paths, have all lead me to where I am today and have helped mold me into the person I am about to become!
