For the next 6 months Georgia will be my home. It’s no secret that God had to give me a little more than a nudge to get me here. I wonder what is next and it equally scares me and excites me. But I wonder how much more of myself I have to give. I have given so much of my heart to different places and different people. Sometime I have given it away gladly and other times it was stolen from me without me ever realizing that it was happening.
I’m scared that I will never be content knowing that my heart is torn in so many directions. A part of my heart was left in Indiana with Mikayla and Noah and Hannah. In the sweet moments we share playing outside or baking cookies or cuddling into what is considered late hours. A piece of me stays with my mom, my dad, my sister. I want to be so much more to them and my human limitations break my heart. A piece is left with Garry and the times we laughed so hard our bellies hurt while watching
Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader or the late night talks about how we want to change our little corners of the world.
I left my heart behind in Terre Haute with Jamie and Devin and Andie. Three people I consider family and who have supported me through all my crazy wild rides. Part of my heart is divided among dozens of close friends who love me with a love that could only come from Jesus. My heart is separated into 150 pieces and divided among my 8th grade students in East Chicago whom I miss so dearly.
My heart is scattered still across continents; in the Massai village in Tanzania, with Betty and Lucy and African dancing, in Turkey with Sezen and her family, in the Philippines with Tan Tan and Hannah Leah, in the bars in Thailand with Om the prostitute, with the Sudanese refugees in Israel, with Amalie in Bulgaria, with Pastor Johnson and the Bishop and Mama Emily.
My heart still longs for the places and people I have loved so deeply. I struggle knowing how all of these passions God has given me can coexist. How can I make crafts with Mikayla while ministering to Cambodian students? How can I use my gift of teaching and my love for Kenya and women and children all while being within arm’s reach of my family?
I believe that God has given me this heart, has blessed me with the gift of mercy, but sometimes it all feels like a bit too much to handle. I worry that I’ll never be satisfied unless I could somehow freeze time and be in more than one place at once. I pray that God would give me the faith to know that He has good things for me, that this is a part of a much larger picture and He wouldn’t break my heart for so many people and places without a reason. And so now I wait on the Lord to reveal to me what is next and I trust that one day I will look back and get it.
