August 31, 2009
Tomorrow we will leave for Romania and it’s hard to believe that our time in Ireland is coming to an end. I definitely feel changed, but I’m not sure how yet how to put that into words. I had been struggling so much with doubt. I kept praying that God would just show me some sort of miracle or give me some divine encounter. Then I would believe without any doubts.
A few weeks ago at our worship time, we found out that one of my squad-mates, Shannon Morgan’s father died. I don’t know how to explain it, but after that night, I felt physically changed. I literally felt like a different person; like something was lifted. Let me try to explain.
On this particular night, we all prayed for Shannon and her family. While Shannon was praying, she praised the Lord for her father’s life. She was just so joyful through it all- in a way that was so genuine, it was hard for me to stay composed. As she prayed and praised God, I completely lost it. The more she prayed, the more I cried. How could this woman have so much joy on the day of her father’s death? How is it possible to grieve joyfully?
This really put things into perspective for me. I have been grieving and mourning the brokeness of my own family, but I have certainly not done this joyfully. I could not wrap my mind around how Shannon could possibly have such a peace about her dad. And then I realized, it’s not possible.
It’s not possible for Shannon or any other person to be genuinely joyful in the midst of such a tragedy. This is only possible with God’s help. This is the sort of peace that passes all understanding.
I’ve seen people react to death. I’ve seen people in denial, or numb, or even relieved. I have never in my life seen such an amazing woman of God so thankful for the life of her father and so full of joy. I hugged Shannon and tried to tell her what a testament of faith she is. I wanted to tell her how strong she is, how beautiful she is, and what an encouragement and inspiration she is to me. I wanted to tell her how my faith was restored because of her. I wanted to tell her what an impact her father, a complete stranger has had on my life. Instead I just bawled and cried because my body wouldn’t allow me to do anything else.
There aren’t words strong enough in my limited vocabulary to express how I was feeling that night. Later, I tried to write Shannon a letter telling this woman whom I barely know how much she has literally changed my life. Again, my efforts were futile and I ended up just scribbling my thoughts. When I reread the letter, it was nothing at all what I meant to say, but I decided to give it to her anyway.
Can I be joyful through tragedy? Is it even possible? Is there joy in suffering? On my long list of goals for this year, I’m adding ”joy.” Bad things will inevitably happen this year. Grieving will be a regular process. My goal is to rejoice through the tragedy, find good in every situation, and praise God for loving me so much he teaches me the hard lessons.
