I wasted another year.
Not really, but sometimes that’s honestly how I feel.
In addition to the start of a new year, I’ve also begun a new chapter on the race. Two days ago, X-squad underwent team changes. It’s been an emotional last few days for me, knowing I’d have to say goodbye to team Flood Sisters. Nothing can replace the laughs and memories we shared together during our first four months of the race and they’ll forever hold a special place in my heart.
All these changes and new beginnings got me thinking about the growth I’ve experienced over the past year, in particular, my first four months of the race. At first, it was hard for me to see any significant growth in myself. I could so obviously see exponential growth in others, so why couldn’t I see that in myself? Had I experienced any growth at all?
Then I realized I was, once again, playing the comparison game. It’s something that has become so second nature to me I don’t even realize I’m doing it at first. In fact, I even compare my ability to process emotions or even recognize what I’m feeling. So many times I’m unsure of what I feel emotionally; how do I process emotion in a healthy way if I’m not even sure what it is I’m feeling?
Lately, I’ve found myself unconsciously thinking that showing emotion is showing weakness. And maybe it is. But what exactly is so wrong with that? Why am I so afraid of looking weak? One of the things I’ve learned from these past few months is that vulnerability is not only a vital component in building trust with others, but is also a catalyst for powerful healing. The Lord has spoken truth over me through my team sharing that in the rawest of my moments, when I was truly vulnerable, they felt not only closer to me but discovered a whole new level of love and respect for me. Is it such a bad thing to show others my weaknesses?
So, that’s where I’m at right now. Obviously, I don’t have it all figured out, and that’s okay because in spite of that, I am sure of this: that He who began the good work in me will bring it to completion (Philippians 1:6).
And despite the sometimes overwhelming emotions associated with starting over with a new team, I am excited to get to know these women and grow deeper in Christ alongside them. In hope, I look forward to everything the Lord will do in this new season and year.
