I feel like I have stumbled out of the battle, the war zone. I've arrived a day early at what we call "debrief", and let me tell you, it is a piece of heaven. After living in the slums – a bed, hot shower (which is NOT often on the race) and good food is truly a piece of heaven.
I'm exhausted.
My body feels like it has been running a million miles an hour for a month straight.
This month in The Philippines has been the most life changing month of my life.
I wrote this in my journal earlier today,
"Jesus, You knew I needed to come here. And if it took yanking my job away from me and signing me up for the race JUST to get me to The Philippines, than, it was worth it."
The goodbyes that I have had to say have been the hardest yet.
I am leaving huge pieces of my heart in The Philippines, gosh, I really hope to come back.
The truth is, this has been one of the hardest months of my life. It has definitely been one of the most uncomfortable, and at times, it has been the scariest.
A few days ago I experienced the scariest event of my life. It caused me to question everything I know and everything I am. It has caused me to question God and His plan and purpose in this world.
It has caused me to question whether He is evident. Whether He really is who He says He is.
As my life flashed before my eyes,
and I wondered if we were going to come out alive,
I asked God for help.
I told Him, He had to get us out of the situation.
And, He did.
Earlier that day, in my time with the Lord, He lead me to Luke 12.
The two verses that stuck out to me the most were these :
"I say to you, My friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that have no more they can do."
Luke 12:4
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows."
Luke 12:7
This is what I wrote in my journal that morning,
"Jesus, You are LORD of all. Of all creation and of our lives. Your authority exceeds our understanding. It's crazy. Jesus, how do we not fear the things of this world? Especially those things/people that can kill our body? I want to hold tightly to the belief that those who want to kill flesh and blood do not matter. You matter. And being in relationship with You is the only thing that matters. Help me to cling to those promises."
Goodness, I've learned to be careful what you ask God for.
More than anything though, God was just preparing His daughter for the day ahead. He, in His crazy love for me, hid these promises in my heart when He knew I would need them most.
God exposed me to true evil and brokenness of this world that day.
And honestly, I am now so unsure what to do with it.
We throw the word "process" around A LOT on The World Race.
And to be honest, I don't even know the first thing about what it means to process what just happened.
My heart is ripped to pieces,
and sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to be ok again.
But here is the truth,
God sent angels to protect me that day.
He made me invisible to the danger that was surrounding me.
And, He showed me the brokenness that breaks His heart.
I think He is just trying to make me more like Himself. And, the process of that, is very painful.
Because of the horror that was revealed to me, I can understand the heart of God just a little bit more than before. He allowed me to see it for a reason, and as I do not know all of the reasons yet, I know that He is going to turn all of this around for good. I know He is refining His daughter and making His daughter more like Himself.
God's angels protected me. And God has a greater purpose for me than to die on the streets of Manila. He has a greater purpose for me and His Kingdom because He chose to reveal this utter brokenness to me.
Yet, despite all this brokenness,
I am in absolute love with The Philippines.
It's because, in the brokenness I have seen His miracles so evident.
I have seen joy amidst such pain.
I have never felt so alive.
So, as Jesus is in the business of bringing me to life in Himself —
I will choose in to whatever He has for me.
I am His precious daughter after all,
and I will always cling to the promises of my Heavenly Father.
Merry Christmas!
