In answering the question:
“What’s Jesus been speaking to you through this time and/or ministry?”
I was in the fifth grade giving a book presentation in my reading class about a girl who was in an outcast society of half dragon humans. I was required to have some form of costume and speak for a certain number of minutes.
And it took me three days to give the presentation.
I’m actually not joking. It took me three days of tries, of almost throwing up, sweating out everything in my tiny body, to complete my project and get a grade for it.
I’d presented before, but something just felt different this time. This time I believed I just couldn’t do. I was deathly afraid of the crowd.
My knees went weak. My stomach churned. And my body literally shook in terror. My voice trembled more than it ever had before.
Thankfully, my teachers were gracious, loved the Lord, and desired my improvement. One even prayed with me before I tried again. My classmates made me a card of full of encouraging and supporting notes and comments. And I did complete it in front of my class with a classmate by my side helping me along.
But my voice still shook.
I’ve gone on to speak again in school like that on multiple occasions for multiple projects, because duh, oral presentations are required. I’ve spoken at things for my church, prayed over groups, and even gave my testimony and preached sermons in Africa on my Race multiple times. Along the way, I’ve had people beside me helping me along, standing by my side, supporting me in my corner, saying that I can speak.
But my voice still shakes.
The role I play right now is titled Storyleader. I tell stories. I coach others in telling theirs. I tell them their voice matters. And I speak in front of 40 people — aka the whole World Race squad…often. How ironic, a storyteller that can’t really speak has a job of speaking.
My fear of speaking stems from the fact that I am afraid of what people think of me. I’m afraid of what they’ll say and see. And I’m on display for them to look upon. And I lack the actual confidence in what I’m saying. Like low key thinking that my voice doesn’t matter, because that’s something I’ve always struggled with. (And a good majority of the world’s number one fear is public speaking.)
Moses couldn’t speak either. Jeremiah was the one that said, “But God, I don’t know how to speak, and I’m just a kid.” And God corrected him, telling him, “Don’t say you’re just a child. Don’t be afraid, Jeremiah, I’ll be there right next to you.” (Jeremiah 1:5-10) I love that story. God uses stories and testimonies like theirs to assure us our voice and story matters and has purpose.
I’ve come a long way since that project in fifth grade. I’ve spoken in front of numerous crowds now, gaining more confidence every time as I get better and better. But I still get caught up in my head. And my voice definitely still shakes. But I have so many people supporting me and encouraging me towards improving my voice and gaining confidence in this area.
I’m thankful for the process of getting here. I’m thankful that God stands beside me and says I don’t have to do this alone. And I think it’s funny that God uses us anyway despite the things we swear give us lack. Moses and Jeremiah spoke to nations and their words have carried; they were storytellers and are remembered powerfully today because they used their voice to speak even when it shook.
So while my voice still shakes a little and I get a little sweaty, I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be, my voice matters, and my confidence in what I share grows. It says in Proverbs that the Lord will be my confidence, and I love seeing this process it takes to step into that.
I know the Lord is still glorified when I speak, even if it trembles, because I’m speaking anyway. So forgive me if I stutter, my voice is still growing.
Prayer Requests
+ Energy/Rest – actually getting it and knowing when to.
+ Wisdom/Discernment – for what to say, what not to say, following the Lord in that.
+ Endurance – for the squad, my team, etc etc.
+ Health – I’ve accumulated a cough, and it’s gotten increasingly worse. This has happened to me before when I’ve been overseas…and it lasted for months. So prayers against that and for healing. Also this squad is really struggling with getting their stomachs in order with the diet we have on the field, along with other mishaps and infected bug bites. They’re not used to it, so that causes some no fun feels and sick days and emotions.
+ Fundraising! I need your help to keep me on the field loving and serving this squad. If you feel the Lord laying it on your heart, follow this link here! THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER!
This song encourages me on using my voice, while it is also beautiful in looking back and seeing the progress I’ve made in my life. Give it a listen.
