My Heart Currently
9
Only 9 Days to get $6,000 to come in or I cannot participate.
Wait.
Wait to see what the future holds, whether I’m allowed to go or designed to stay.
25
July 25, first day of training camp.
Hope
Hope in He who has a perfect plan no matter what my desires.
Trust
Trust that He will provide and take care of me and give me just what I need or just what I think I don’t need.
Pray
Praying God to provide immeasurably more than I could imagine.
Where Honesty Breaks Ground…& Vulnerablity Leaks…
These past few months have been a whirlwind of activity. Ups and downs like I’ve never experienced before. Physically, spiritually, and mentally exhausting. I have been at the edge of my rope for so long that its made its home. And I grapple to summarize my conclusions of them…
I have been working full time 50 hrs a week since the last week of April as a sitter/nanny(whatever you wanna call it) to a five year old and a baby, and I’m exhausted. I’ve been go go ever since and I haven’t slowed down at all it seems. Sleep deprived and energy drained, I go home and I stress about the no time I have and how to fundraise. The time I should be resting after a day’s work, I continue to use what energy I have left, at which point I have to give up and choose sleep to rest up for the next work day.
“Running out of time, running out of time, run, run, run…” over and over my body painfully keeps pushing me on, never allowing me to rest and breathe. “Running out of time, running out of time. Gotta fundraise, gotta get gear, gotta be a certain attitude. If you don’t run, if you don’t push, you’ll stop breathing, so keep going, keep running, running out of time…” until eventually, my anxiety has control and my breathing grows heavy and quick, my body grows weak, and my head gets light and I get nauseous, the world spins…
Floundering. Maybe that’s a lame excuse, maybe watching a five year old and a baby doesn’t look that bad to you, but for me I’m exhausted. What do you think loses priority when life gets busy? The rest and the quiet time with God, and boy do I need those and boy am I missing out and boy has it derailed me. Because of missing those two things from my life, life has been in shattered pieces all over a tear-stained floor. From doubting my faith, fear of people, lack of trust, comparison and self-image issues, have been the result of my lack of being in communication with Him. I’ve also been frustrated with my relationship with Him, thats why I’ve avoided Him a bit. I’m frustrated because there are things I don’t understand that are over my head and I can’t figure them out, and I will never understand some things beyond my human head, because God is that vast. And it’s okay. I need to realize its okay, and that I can never be perfect, and grace cannot be earned, it is given as a gift out of love. These have been my growing moments.
I’ve never fundraised before. Especially in such a short period of time. My stress and anxiety have been beyond my sanity. I’m a people pleaser, and asking people for money has torn me apart. Along with that, I’ve been frustrated with the lack of response I’ve seen. I’m trying to have faith in what I don’t see, I’m trying to trust in the God over everything, but still a bit of doubt has remained. By this point, it would take a miracle for me to make it.
“Where are You, God?” I yell out in anger. “Didn’t You call me to this?
I have wanted to give up so very many times, throw in the towel, walk away, run far away, and not do the World Race or speak to another soul again.
I have wanted to act recklessly and cause conflict.
I have wanted to walk away from my faith because of my anger, like “why can’t He provide for me in this?”
But I haven’t.
At my very end, at my rock bottom, at my lowest point, I was grabbed by The Hand. And then I realized I’ve been carried all this time. And then I realized how loved I’ve been and how easy it is for me to not see it. These past few days, I’ve watched my attitude change in the light of trust. Going from desperate anxious panic over the weekend, to trust and faith that God’s Will will be done. Choosing what attitude you have really does help, and I doubted that before. How could one choose what to feel? But choosing joy, choosing trust, choosing to look at God’s face even when you don’t know what else to say, you don’t know what else to plea, brings me peace. Though it’s still hard right now, I’m going to keep going.
By the thinnest thread I’m still barely holding on.
By the smallest faith and reassurance, I’m still holding to hope in my Jesus.
By a crack in the door filled with light, it’s all that I need to get by.
One day at a time. One step in a direction.
Push on. Onward into faith. Onward into trust. Casting my cares and fears. His will, His way, His time, His plan, not mine.
Whether I make it forward in the World Race by getting funded, or designed to stay behind, let it be known: be it for the glory of God, and that I will be content with His better plan. Resting in His arms.
Thank you to my squad, friends here at home, my friends far away, church family, and my family for sticking with me throughout all this. Thank you for encouraging me despite all my anxieties. Even if I don’t reach my goal, it was worth the relationships I have made in you. ///
“How is fundraising going?”
I’ve gotten that question a lot lately, and I thank you for your concern.
I currently have over $3,000, which I am thankful for, but if I don’t have a total of $9,000 in 9 days, I will not be attending training camp July 25-August 5. Checks take 2 weeks to process and online donations, my preferred method, takes over four days to process. I would greatly appreciate prayers for this.
Current Prayer Requests:
- My relationship with God to grow deeper into love and trust behind any feelings I’ve ever had before.
- Wisdom- on how to go about my future and fundraising.
- My squad and their fundraising, preparation for training camp, and our/their hearts.
- My fundraising and for the hearts of people to give.
- Contentment- be it if God’s will and design that I do not participate in this race and wait until another time.
Thank you for reading!
