I wrote this a while back on June 6 and forgot about posting it or was afraid to post it. It was encouraging for me to read it again. So here it goes to posting. Its kind of a mess.
*Hey you! play Moriah Peters -“Oh Fear” while reading this post!
When you say yes to God, the Devil puts his team on Red Alert and you are the threat…
Since I began THINKING about signing up for the World Race, I have been plagued by fear, anxiety, stress, and sickness. According to popular belief, I must be a big threat to the devil and he sees the potential and wants to delay me and beat me up in any way possible. Numbers of times already I’ve sat in my closet literally shaking and sobbing because I’m so fearful, and most of the time I can’t even tell you why. It could be fundraising, all the overwhelming ins-and-outs of packing and gear and stuff, the future scenarios of the WR, or the discomforts I will face. And frankly, I’m scared to even post this, this is completely vulnerable. AND THE DOUBTS. I haven’t been able to sort anything out, I’m a mess. And the devil is using a gazillion doubts like crazy to get me off track:
- “What if I’m not accepted by my team and squad like in my past? What if we don’t bond? What if I’m left out?“
- “What if I don’t fundraise enough in time?“
- “What if I get the wrong gear?“
- “What if I ruin my favorite clothes? What if I bring the WRONG clothes?“
- “What if I can’t do what I’m asked to do and I freak out?“
- etc. etc. etc…
All these WHAT IFS are making me sick! “What If…” doesn’t matter, Em! I have literally been drowning in these doubts, fears, and anxieties. And I just haven’t been able to get out because I haven’t gone to Jesus with them. I’ve SAT in them. NEVER sit in junk like that. I don’t know why: (here goes the mind reel again) “What if He doesn’t answer? What if He leaves me hanging? What if its all a mistake and I’m in the wrong place? What if He’s just not there for me…
...what if He fails me?“
*excuse me for a minute, readers, as I try to smack some sense into myself*
Hold up, pep talk time, Em… (and for my squad and fellow racers)
HE doesn’t fail. Ever. End of story. Everything He does, He does on purpose, for a reason, in His time, in His way, not yours. HE is in charge, HE is king. YOU are NOTHING compared to HIS GREAT AWESOME SMASH YOU TO PIECES POWER. And He LOVES you to pieces despite the messes, despite your fears, despite your doubts and worries. Oh, you can be sure He answers, just not how you’d always like Him to.
- YOU? You fail. ALL. THE. TIME.
- Your team and squad? Yeah, they’ll fail you too. ALL. THE. TIME. You won’t always see eye to eye, they are going to do things you are not gonna like, they may not like you. And YOU will fail them too. YOU might not see that YOU are not accepting of someone because of your judgment. Walk in love. Talking to myself here.
- YOU don’t bring in the money. You can certainly ask, but God does the moving of hearts and the moving of moments. And it might not come in on YOUR time schedule, but it sure will come in on His. The faith as small as a mustard seed does work, I’ve tried it. If its meant to be, its meant to be. If it doesn’t happen, maybe this is as far as Jesus is taking us onto this journey to show us whatever He wanted to tell us.
- Things are things, clothes are clothes, they get ruined, you lose them, etc. Its not the end of the world if that stuff happens to them while on the race. I keep having to remind myself of this. Prepare as best you can. But if its worth so much to you, don’t bring it or bring it open-handed.
Just trust the Almighty God.
He’s got it all covered.
He’s got it all planned out.
Whatever happens is obviously for your own good.
You need only just trust.
Anyway…End rant. Proceed on. Kick it all in the face. Bye.
So just an encouragement to all. We all struggle with doubts and fears and anxieties. But to know that God’s got it all, we should rest in that.
